My Journey

No One Can Measure the Strength of Your Heart!

2012-01-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

I feel blessed tonight. I was reminded today of my inner strength. Sometimes with PTSD I have felt shattered, worthless, and incomplete. I have struggled with many things, but today a friend reminded me of the hard things that I have overcome.
The pressure of not feeling good enough has broken my spirit, at times.
And other times has given me the motivation and the strength to move forward.
I may not be the smartest, the brightest, or the best test taker, but I have passion. That passion runs deep, and that passion comes from oppression. Who would have thought that some of my most awful memories could be the motivators to the things that I am most passionate about.
I experienced opposition when I wanted to get my Associates degree in one year. The people who told me I couldn't do it only fuled my fire to prove them wrong.
When I joined the army and went away I experienced the oppression that came from giving up my rights inorder for others to have theirs. The military tries to force people to conform, but I was grounded in my moral convictions and stayed that way.

I was in an extremely controlling and abusive marriage, where I was told that I wasn't good enough and that I would never be strong enough to have a baby naturally, and I left. I was pregnant, had a one year old baby, some clothes, no money, and I left!

(pregnant with my second son after leaving an abusive marriage)

(Shortly after I delivered a 9lb 6oz baby naturally)

Many things have happened since, I have had different challenges, and differenty types of healing....and now I am on my way to creating and fulfilling new dreams.

I bought something....

2012-01-23T22:00:00.000-08:00

I just wanted Ya'll to know that life has been pretty rough the last few months.

But the good news is...

it's getting better.

I need to rewind a couple of years so that you have some background.

-I went to war in 2003.

-I thought I was fine, but I was shaken by some of the things that happened over there, but I wrote my thoughts and feelings in a journal.

-I got married to my first husband at the end of 2004 with all of the innocence and hope one could possess.

-I became a Mother, got out of the Army, moved to Arizona and was diagnosed with PTSD :(

-My marriage was abusive and I left when I was 7 months pregnant with my second son.

-While I was staying in a domestic violence shelter my ex husband was copying all of the journals I had written my entire life.

-He published them.

-I was devastated (to say the least)

I have written little since then,

....but today I made a purchase....

Define or Destroy?

2012-01-13T21:41:00.000-08:00

I like this...

There's Just No Way Around It.

2011-12-21T22:43:00.000-08:00

You can't cry pretty.

You can cry horrible.

You can cry atrocious.

You can cry ugly.

But even though your face gets disfigured, red and puffy. It's hard to breathe and you may feel vulnerable.

Crying helps.

A Sweet Morning Moment

2011-11-11T09:25:00.001-08:00

I woke up to a kiss from my Bear,

and

a card from my Bug.

"Happy Veterans Day Mom, I love you!"

I will miss the celebration at the Mesa Vet Center, where I read the names of Honor the last couple years in a row.

Missing Arizona

The Best Halloween Party Ever

2011-11-09T21:37:00.001-08:00

Be-Lated Birthday

2011-10-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

Last month my little Bug turned 6.

He spent the actual day in Georgia with his Dad, but before he left we celebrated.

with a request for "Cheesecake"!

And oh boy it was a fun party.

September

2011-09-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

What have you been doing this month?

Me?

I've been spending time with my Grandmother

'Putting up Fruit for the Season'

Peaches,

Pears,

Raspberries,

and Tomatoes.

Home

2011-09-22T23:19:00.000-07:00

I made it.
Flying to Georgia and back wasn't nearly as bad after I blogged about it last night.
Writing helps me.
I hope it helps you too.

After tucking my little ones in and kneeling in prayer. I thanked God for my children, thier sweet love and for our safe travel.
I am off to dreamland.

Blessings,

Me

Airports

2011-09-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

Last time I flew I sat next to a fellow combat vet. We talked about my blog and as we both sat down disturbed, he mentioned about how I should write about how stressful it is for vets with PTSD to fly.

We get anxious and extremely irritable. From security to the flight attendants, to the smells on airplanes, it just plane sucks.

That long of a period of time where you aren't in control of your own life.

Whew..

And since I'm flying tomorrow I thought I would write about how much I hate to fly.

I used to Love it and find it exciting, but now...

Airports make me feel uneasy and I start to feel sick to my stomach.

Security brings out the anxiety.

I feel like an animal being sent to the slaughter house. Stripped of my possessions and herded through a small gateway.

It's even worse with kids and all the gear you have to haul.

Take off your jacket,

remove your shoes,

stick your tiny 0.5 oz bottle of hand sanitizer in a separate container,

separate all electronics,

try to make sure the kids don't have any contraband in their pockets,

and heaven forbid you wear a long skirt or a dress that goes to the floor.

You're sure to be sent through the body scan or the ever so invasive pat down.

They ask if you would feel more comfortable being patted down in a separate room.

"No thanks, I think I'd rather have the rest of the herd watch as you grope my entire body with your blue non-latex gloves"

Body Scans and Pat Downs make me feel invaded.

I was relating my woes to some friends of mine and they suggested that I apply for assistance through TSA.

I had no idea that TSA had done something so cool to help Injured Veterans.

Check out their website Here.

I applied for assistance once and let me tell you, Salt Lake and Denver TSA members who helped me get a HUGE two thumbs up and a raving review.

I had four legs of travel that day that started at 7am and ended at 11pm.

The head of security met me curbside in Salt Lake, thanked me for my service and told me a bit about his own, he smiled and was kind to my children, but he really took the cake when I got to security and realized that I had left my purse in the trunk of the car.

Luckily I had my ID in my back pocket.

He sent me on through security and escorted me to my gate. He waited at the curb until my dad brought my purse back. The kids and I had already boarded the plane. He brought it through security and gave it to the flight attendants and took an enormous amount of stress off.

I was met in Denver by the head of security who helped the kids and I get to our connecting gate.

That evening when I flew back through Denver on my way to Aspen, I was met by two beautiful ladies who watched my bags for me so I didn't have to lug them into the restroom.

Their cheerful smiles and kind hearts really made the end of the trip pleasant.

Thanks Ladies!

...Atlanta on the other hand....gets a two thumbs way way down.

Maybe I'll give them another shot sometime to see if my opinion changes.

How Did You Spend Your 9/11?

2011-09-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

My Mom was hosting some international guests. So I spent the ten year anniversary of the attacks on America at Temple Square in Salt Lake City

We listened to Music and the Spoken Word,

and enjoyed other sights surrounding Temple Square.

We spent the afternoon at the Utah State Fair.

The local Marine recruiters had a booth where they were holding a contest for the most pull ups or hanging on the bar.

Each person who participated won a prize depending on how well they performed.

I thought it would be fun to try, but absolutely did not want to make a fool of myself by my lack of physical conditioning.

I mentioned this to my Mother who was more that happy to embarrass me by telling the Marines that I wanted to try.

(My poor pride couldn't back down after being called out, no matter how weak my upper body strength is)

So I took a shot at it.

.....

I won a lanyard.

(I was hoping for the T-Shirt, which was the best prize)

But...

I wasn't in good enough shape.

Maybe next year :)

Challenge Aspen Day's 3 & 4

2011-09-11T22:29:00.000-07:00

So on Wednesday we woke up at the crack of dawn to drive to Utah where we would explore a portion of the Colorado River known as the West Water Canyon.

Challenge Aspen partnered with Colorado Discover Ability and a group of different volunteers guided us down the river.

The first morning we paddled and paddled and went through a series of rapids.

(unfortunately I don't have pictures of the rapids, because my camera was safely tucked away in two Ziploc baggies.

We camped on a secluded beach on the river. The river guides made us a delicious dinner of Fajitas.

The stars were amazing that night. And the view of the river and the red rock was spectacular.

Day 4 started with an early morning coffee call followed by breakfast burritos and a group picture on the beach.

I tried to be of some assistance by helping to fill the inflatable kayaks known as duckies.

Secretly, I think I was more of the comic relief because I would jump into the air and try to force all of my body weight down to try to pump up the duckies.

It sort of reminded me of this

I looked ridiculous, but I hope someone had a good laugh watching me.

Then pose for a picture and....

we're off.

My roomie and I paddled the kayak but in all reality,

I wasn't very good at it.

We would turn to the left and then to the right. I never did seem to get into a good paddling pattern.

O' well, I guess I'll have to give it a try again sometime.

I hopped out of the duckie and swam to a larger goat...err...boat (sorry, typo)

However, I wasn't extremely talented with the oars either.

Think I might need a little more practice.

Our trip ended with the beauty of a bald eagle flying overhead.

Who could ask for a more majestic ending?

Challenge Aspen Day 2

2011-09-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

Day 2

Equine Therapy

It's late, and we leave bright and shiny early tomorrow for the river portion of our trip.

I don't have enough time to write anything that will do justice for the day we spent at Sopris Equine Therapy,

so the pictures will have to suffice, until I have more time to write about the great experience with the horses.

Mine was Bonnet

I braided her hair just like I used to do with My Little Ponies when I was a kid.

Challenge Aspen Day 1

2011-09-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

So....

after a very long day of flying, I finally made it to Aspen Colorado.

The drive from Utah to Colorado isn't too long, but NO, I had to take the LONG way to get there.

(by way of Georgia)

So the kids and I woke up at the crack of dawn and flew to Denver,

from Denver we flew to Atlanta where I dropped off the cuties with their Father.

After some long lines, and a very invasive pat-down in Atlanta, I waited to catch another flight to Denver,

And then from Denver to Aspen.

It was a late night, and I was exhausted.

Day 1 consisted of a morning at

Glenwood Hot Springs

The water was warm, I swam a few laps, went down the water slide, but my goal for the day was

a back flip.

Now I have been terrified of the back flip for most of my life,

My dad got me to try it about fifteen years ago and I over rotated and landed on my back.

(not fun)

So my goal for the day was to have a successful back flip.

.....and I did.

Marvelous! I have checked something else off of my list.

Afterwards, my roomie and I decided to treat ourselves to a massage at the

Spa of the Rockies.

It was beautiful and serene.

I enjoyed a cup of jasmine tea while relaxing in a comfy chaise lounge while I waited for my massage.

The room was beautiful and the massage was quite relaxing.

I came back to the hotel and napped until dinner.

Oh what fun to have a much needed vacation.

Another Opportunity

2011-09-03T21:45:00.000-07:00

So guess what I'm doing tomorrow...????

Part of it involves flying to Georgia so that Little Bear, and Little Bug can spend some time with their Dad :)

I will miss them :(

But you can click on the picture to find out where I am flying after I drop them off.

......doesn't that sound awesome?

I can't wait to share my adventure with you as I blog about it when I get back.

Best Wishes during the next week.

~Kisses~

Favorite Chap Stick

2011-08-29T22:37:00.000-07:00

I know that it may be just a tad juvenile,

but my favorite chap stick is

Strawberry Kiwi by

Lip Smackers

I know that they market it for the tween's, but I secretly love it.

Back in the day it was code named 'The Make Out Chapstick'

It smells great.

It tastes awesome.

The texture is smooth, not sticky.

It's perfect.

I am secretly debating weather I should add it to my years supply.

You see, we members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saint believe in living provident lives. Many members work to achieve a years supply of the necessities of life.

I wonder if my favorite chap stick counts.

Quirky Things About Me

2011-08-28T22:02:00.001-07:00

Here are a few interesting tidbits about me :)
I ALWAYS sleep in pajama pants. The weather doesn't matter. Hot or even hotter, I ALWAYS wear cotton stretchy pants to sleep in. I hate the feeling of my knees rubbing together skin on skin. It drives me nuts and I can't sleep. I had the same black pair of yoga pants for years. They went to Iraq with me. I slept in them outside, in my tent, even when it was hotter than the blazes over there. I wore them during my pregnancies (as long as they could stretch) They have been replaced by others. Right now I'm sporting the colorfully striped pair that my sisters call.

Dr. Seuss Pants

I Love short hair. I always have. I probably always will.
I never do seem to have the will power to grow it much longer than my shoulders (BARELY my shoulders) I secretly crave long luxurious locks.....I just simply don't have the patience.
Right now I am trying to grow my hair long, because for ONCE in my life I would like to have long hair.

I hate the cold. I wear white cotton socks most of the time because I am like a little freezer. I am nervous about spending a winter in Utah because it is so cold. I take a cardigan to church in the summer time because I'm so cold. I almost never wear sandals or flip flops or other cute shoes because my feet freeze.

And last of all....I have a secret love of dreadlocks. (Weird, I know, but I do)

Starting Over

2011-08-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

A new chapter in my life has begun.

I have the luxury of starting over.

Over the last little while I have been feeling so sad about starting over.

I have been mourning the loss of my dreams, my goals, my ambitions.

The things that I had been working to achieve over the last three years.

But guess what?

I may be starting over,

but I'm not starting from scratch.

I have more coping skills,

I have more life experience,

I can create for myself new dreams and goals.

Yesterday I started thinking about things in the past that have brought me Joy and Happiness.

(regular sleep, listening to audio books, nourishing my spiritual side,exercise, sewing, being creative, eating healthy, reading books to my kids, painting pictures, going to therapy, connecting with other veterans, serving others, writing, making friends and smiling for real.

I will rediscover my passions,

and I will find Joy.

...it has happened before, it can happen again!

Who Da' Thunk

2011-08-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

Can you believe this is the face of a depressed person?

I know right!

Yeah, my face may be a bit washed out with the flash,

But seriously?

No one would guess.

So....I had a good cry on Friday. My mom was late to work.

She comforted me and it was nice to have a shoulder to cry on.

I went to Fountain Green (a small town in Utah) and enjoyed some touching conversation as well as some relaxation

I don't want to loose all of the work I have done healing because of the weirdness in my life.

So I feel like I'm searching again.

There are so many new graduates that are heading off to college, tech school, military, or employment.

(I remember being there)

All searching for their purpose in life.

And I'm starting over AGAIN.

I feel as though I need to rediscover myself.

Figure out what I like, and how it will impact the world for good.

College? (maybe next semester)

Tech school? (again, maybe)

Military? (been there done that, got the t-shirt)

Quick Employment? (definitely not)

Motherhood? (always)

I want to make a difference. I want to look back and know that my life had meaning. I want to contribute to my own healing and the greater good.

I just don't know how I will do it.

I am discovering all over again what I want to be....even though I'm already partially grown up.

Feeling a Bit Better

2011-08-19T12:57:00.001-07:00

After a long cry with my mother this morning...
I feel a bit better.
The kids and I are off to Fountain Green to visit friends, and enjoy a weekend in the mountains.

Feeling Fragile

2011-08-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

Let's just jump right to it. I've been feeling a little fragile.
This new life, new expectations, new fears....there are so many things that are different. And I feel like I am going to shatter.

After I went to war I felt as though my heart had been blown out through my chest. I didn't know if I would ever see remnants of myself again.

I was hopeful and married my children's father and when he turned to abuse I felt that it was the 'nail in the coffin', the 'straw that broke the camels back'. When my first marriage ended and I was forced to move back to Arizona without any support, that was the last blow that shattered me into what seemed like a million pieces. For the longest time I felt so crumbled living with the shards of glass that had once been my zest for life and my reason for living.

My children gave me hope and slowly I started finding the little pieces of my life that brought me healing and joy. I started meaningful therapy, and started challenging myself. I was reaching for something more, something bigger. I was searching for hope. Hope in myself, hope in humanity. Hope that good men were honorably taking care of their families. I wanted so badly to believe that good still existed in the world. I wanted to find myself and put the pieces of my life back together.

And up until recently I felt as though those pieces of me were being put back together. I have been going to therapy. I was challenging my negative core beliefs, I was reaching out. I was mending relationships with my family. I was learning to reach out and extend my support network with my friends and church members. I started having a relationship with my 2nd husband, new friends, and a whole new family. Through the challenges and the pain of PTSD, I was picking the pieces and gluing them back together. I was starting to feel happy and more like the self that hadn't yet witnessed the trauma's of war. I thought that all of my dreams were coming true.

And right now I feel like ALL the glue in my life is gone. That I'm standing here in a million pieces in the form of me, but if anything hits me I feel like all of those pieces are going to tumble to the ground once more, and I will be shattered.

I don't want to fall apart.

I'm so scared of loosing it. I'm trying to mask it. I'm afraid that if I let the hurt out, then it will all come crashing out, and that people will look at me differently. I don't want my family, to think less of me. Then here comes the shame. I Don't Want to Loose it, but I feel so fragile!

So once again...
I am searching for hope.

Slowly Suffocating

2011-08-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

Over the last few week I feel as though I have been slowly taking small sips of air into my lungs. Each time something triggers my PTSD I take a quick little sip.

I have moved back home and no one here really knows that I have PTSD.

I mean, the family does...but they haven't really witnessed it first hand. (except for Loo)

The neighbors, extended family, church members, and people from my childhood have no idea that I suffer with PTSD.

In fact most of them don't even know.

So...

(regrettably)

I have been trying to mask my symptoms.

I'm afraid that if the people who care about me see the full weight of what I deal with, then our relationship will change, and they will look at me differently, or maybe won't love and admire me the way they have before.

So, over the last few weeks I have slowly been taking small sips of my triggers in the hopes that no one will notice.

If I were to take a big slurp of my trigger then I feel like other people would see.

So...when people ask me awkward questions about my current life situation I put on a smile and...I suck it up.

When I feel like crying, and a bunch of people are around...I suck it up.

When I feel startled by the lightning and thunder, I suck it up,

When I feel anxious, I suck it up,

When I feel vulnerable,

inadequate,

frustrated,

or scared.

I suck it up!

And I've been sucking it up for weeks.

The only problem is...

I've been sucking it up for so long I feel like I am going to explode.

There is no more room in my lungs for air,

just like there is no more room in my life for covering up my symptoms of PTSD.

I feel as though I am about to explode.

Luckily...

some friends in Arizona put me in touch with some awesome people up here.

Last week I met some new friends.

The dad is an Iraqi combat vet with a purple heart,

the mom is a great conversationalist and an amazing mother.

She's an advocate for natural child birth and everything.

They understand war.

They understand PTSD.

They understand parenthood in a way that I admire.

They are friends my age, who can totally relate to my life's hardships.

And guess what?

Last weekend was like a breath of fresh air.

Oh, don't worry

I tried to talk myself out of going, just like last year I tried to talk myself out of going to Sedona and jumping off that cliff.

But seriously, I felt like I was able to breathe

Figuratively, because I could let my guard down and be myself without feeling judged.

And literally because we enjoyed the beauty and the fresh outdoors of God's beautiful green earth.

Thank Heaven for new friends.

Lightning

2011-08-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

....and thunder.

(Photo curteosy of wallpaperstock.net)

The other day someone asked me about how PTSD affectes my life.

If I were talking to them tonight I would let them know that sometimes it's hard to calm down and fall asleep at night.

Tonight it is stormy. The sky is illumitated by brilliant flashes of light followed by the loud rumble of thunder.

And on nights like tonight it takes my mind and body back to the war zone. Flashes of light and the thunder remind me of mortar attacks. Mortar attacks remind me of how I felt when we were being attacked. Being attacked reminds me of the patient that came in during attacks. Those patients remind me of the suffering caused by war. And the thought of war just makes me sad.

So it's almost 1 o'clock in the morning...and I need to go to sleep. There are two prescious sons who need a well rested mother who has had peaceful dreams.

Wish me luck.

Where is Belleruth Naparstek when I need her?

More Birthday Memories

2011-08-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

Twenty Nine

2011-08-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

I woke up to two happy boys who wanted nothing more than to wish me a

Happy Birthday!

They gave me a card that says,

"It's your birthday, Mom--

can you guess

how much

I Love YOU?

go on...guess...

Give up?"

THIS MUCH!

It's nice to know how much I am loved.

Kindergarten

2011-08-10T21:48:00.000-07:00

My little Bug started Kindergarten last week.

My sister reminded me to get the classic picture standing by the door with the backpack on.

I'm pretty sure there is one of me each year in the exact position.

The Grand Canyon

2011-08-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

I have always had a desire to visit the famous Grand Canyon.

I drive past it every time I make a trip to Utah, but I've never stopped to have the experience.

So....while we were moving to Utah,

I decided that I wanted to take the boys there.

I vascillated between driving straight through and stopping.

I was bit afraid to do it by myself,

but my strong will got the better of me.

Until we got to Jacob Lake I still wasn't sure that we were going to actually go through with it.

It was adventurous, as most things with my boys are.

After several trips to the bathroom,

a tired grumpy mommy,

and children who didn't seem to care how much I wanted to make this a fun experience.

I was asking myself, "Why did we even stop? Why is this so hard? How come it's always so much more fun when my mother and sisters are involved?"

I tried...

and I hope I succeeded in creating a positive memory with my kids.

We found a little cabin to stay in at Jacob Lake.

(I'm so glad that I didn't have to unpack the trailer to try to find our little tent)

We made some memories.

....even though it was stressful for mommy.

If at First You Don't Succeed.....

2011-08-06T00:10:00.000-07:00

CRY, CRY, AGAIN

The sadness is kicking in. I have spent many moments with tears.

Luckily I have sisters who love and comfort me.

I will continue to Cry,

and I will also continue to

TRY

Discovery

2011-08-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

There is so much excitement in discovery.

I wonder what I shall discover next.

Good Things to Come

2011-07-31T06:57:00.000-07:00

This video has brought me so much hope.

When things are at their worst I want to believe in good things to come.

Right now I could use a little encouragement.

In four short months my life has taken a major turn.

My new husband and I are divorcing.

Someone else moved into the house I was building.

And the boys and I are off on a new adventure.

A few short days ago I packed all of my earthly belongings into the largest trailer my car could pull.

The kids and I drove for a very long time.

Luckily we did not have any car trouble

We stopped in the southern Utah town of Kanarraville so that I could take a picture by the sign.

Then drove the remaining 252 miles to the home where I grew up.

After ten years,

I am finally...

HOME

Stuck

2011-07-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

Does it ever seem like no matter how hard you try....

you're stuck?

But instead of going nowhere...

I am going somewhere.

Can anybody guess?

We did stop at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon on our way to somewhere special.

The boys and I are off on a new adventure.

....a new life adventure...

Missing My Blog

2011-07-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog and Fellow Readers,

I know that I have neglected you for a very long time.

I have good intentions of writing and sharing my story, but many things have gotten in the way.

This year has been an adventure.

Many Blessings,

Many Trials.

Sooooooo many memories.

These pictures of my kids were taken a year ago, and they remind me of how I feel.

Like the logs they carry...

I feel burdened.

Trying to pick them up

sometimes I can hold them for a while,

and other times I need a rest.

I've been trying to pick up my life, my feelings, and sometimes I feel like I am going to tip over.

Success will come

and I will carry my burdens even when the tears come.

To My Rescue

2011-04-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

During the past couple of months I have been thinking and reading about the Mormon Pioneers. As a child growing up I remember hearing that MY ancestors were some of the immigrants who walked the plains to settle in Zion with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Their hardship and struggle has always seemed to be distant and in the past, but as I have read and discovered more about them, I am amazed by their faith and perserverence.

To walk half starved, through the snow and ice as people were dying all around. The stories of faith are inspiring.

I have been touched to read of how president Brigham Young organized a rescue team to go recover the dying imigrants who were in the Willie and Martin Handcart companies.

Tears have run down my face as I have thought of the sacrifice that others made on behalf of these poor starving saints.

I have thought of myself and the many people along the way who have opened their arms to come and rescue me.

A small handful of my rescuers are pictured on my blog today.

I have had many.

And my heart has been touched and my burdens lightened because someone cared enough to take a small piece of my load.

Today I would like to give special thanks to my cousin who I like to call 'Brother Shaw', my dear sweet sister Loo. My unwavering mother, and the people who came to my rescue yesterday.

I love you and I thank you.

Reclaiming my Anniversaries

2011-03-11T07:41:00.000-08:00

I have spoken about anniversaries before, but for those of you who are new to my journey, I will explain. When I speak of anniversaries, I am talking about the times of the year where it is the hardest for me. Usually happens from February through July. My body seems to remember the traumatic events of years past and my PTSD symptoms get worse. The nightmares increase and intensify, my mood is sour, my body is jumpy. Sometimes I won't even know why I am feeling so terrible, and then I will wonder..."where was I (X) number of years ago? Was anything happening?" I will then remember and relive part of my trauma. Many combat soldiers have the same experience at the time of a particular battle, when close comrades have died. Sights, Smells, Sounds, and Feelings flood our bodies.

Anniversaries are usually the time of the year where you make sure that life is less stressful, because you know how hard it is going to be to relive those memories.

And so....that is exactly why I have decided to reclaim my anniversaries. They will still be a time of mourning the loss, but I have specifically planted new seeds around my worst events....Like this wedding that will be happening next week. It is around the same time that I participated in the invasion of Iraq. I want to have happy memories that come along with the sad ones. It's ok to have different emotions.

And so....I will reclaim some of the days.

It started small with July 5th. That is the day that I celebrate MY independence. It is the day that my divorce was finalized and filed with the records department at the court. I used to cry and be sad because I thought that all of my dreams were shattered and I was left alone.

So now, I purposfully plan happy thing around my anniversaries. I want to have something to celebrate along with my memories.....

so lets party, and know that it's ok to feel good on the days that your body tells you, you are supposed to feel mad or sad.

The House

2011-03-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

A year ago the house I was renting flooded.

I was already maxed out with life, school, motherhood, etc.

Living in a hotel with one bag for a month was definitely not on the agenda.

Loraine Kern from the East Valley Vet center told me about Habitat for Humanity.

I thought that Habitat was an organization that built and gave homes to needy families.

My assumptions were wrong.

Habitat is an amazing Christian based organization that likes to give

"a hand up, not a hand out"

They give lower income families the opportunity of purchasing a house from Habitat.

It seems like a win win situation all around.

Habitat partners with different organizations and businesses.

The businesses donate time and resources that can be used as a tax benefit.

Individuals and groups can come to the site and build houses and use it as a team building activity.

And me....

I get to purchase a home from habitat.

I have had so much fun over the last year getting to know other volunteers.

The build starts with a prayer and ends with happy hearts who have worked together to bring good to the community.

Habitat for Humanity is truly an amazing organization.

If you'd like to join us on a Wednesday or Saturday let me know.

(my little bear is rockin' his construction outfit, complete with belly shirt)

The boys are at home swinging a hammer.

Welcome Home.

Home Page for Habitat

Qualifications for home ownership

Volunteer Services

please click on the links if you have any further interest

Quick Update

2011-03-03T22:16:00.000-08:00

Hello fellow readers,

I know I have neglected my blog for quite some time. I just wanted to give you a quick update on the latest and greatest. Well....I'm getting married in two weeks. I have spent the last year falling in love and getting engaged, and planning a wedding, and living with PTSD, being a mother, traveling to visit my family, making new freinds and building a house...

Oh wait...did I say building a house?

I sure did.

My dreams are coming true,

and it's so nice.

Many thanks to my faithful readers.

I turned my blogging energy elsewhere, but have noticed that I still get lots of hits to this site.

I will try to be more diligent in my efforts.

Wish me Luck...

I'm off on another Journey

Love,

Time

2011-02-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

What's in a moment???

EVERYTHING

Kindred Spirits

2011-02-03T20:13:00.000-08:00

Today I was reminded of how special people can pop into your life at any moment. You may have passed them on the street and didn't even know that you share something in common. I am starting to see how PTSD affects so many people.

I used to feel so alone....
Like no one understood what I was going through,
Like I didn't belong,
That I was different,
That I couldn't relate because my life experiences have been so traumatic,

But today I was reminded of how much I have in common with other people.

I'm not the only one who deals with PTSD,
I'm not the only one who was in an abusive marriage,
I'm not the only one who struggles with sorrow.

So to those who read this...know that you are not alone in your trials.

Much Love and Blessings

Is there a pot of gold?

2011-01-31T22:20:00.000-08:00

I was driving home from shopping when mi Amor said,

"Let's not take the freeway home"

I'm glad I listned.

The kids enjoyed hearing of God's promise to Noah

It's been to long since I've given you anything to read.

2011-01-26T21:38:00.000-08:00

It's funny how love can consume your time. I have enjoyed having my time consumed with several trips to Utah, weddings, parties, reunions, and even simple Sunday dinners. PTSD and depression are still a part of my life, but they are so much more manageable when you have a support system.
Trauma makes you want to pull away from people. You no longer feel connected, you feel like the odd one out and like no one can really relate to you. I have thought this many times.

But I was missing....

Something simple, primal, and sooooooo necessary.

Human connection.

It's nice to have people who support me. I still feel like isolating and avoiding certain situations, and hey....even sometimes I get depressed or try to control my environment. But all in all....Life is better when you have people to share it with.

Family is so important...This is what I like to read.

The Joy's of Boys

2010-11-19T14:05:00.000-08:00

I hope I get voted 'Cool Mother of the Year' for jumping off the bunk beds with my Boys.

Oh....the Joy's!

Veterans Day November 11th

2010-11-15T20:48:00.000-08:00

The morning started with the annual Mesa Veterans Day Parade.

I wore the hat that my Boyfriend's Dad bought me :)

Little Bear held his flag and lounged in the chair....until he found the love of his life which will be pictured below.

We were greeted by some vintage planes.

Bug waved his flag proudly.

and bear found the love of his life...

and shared a jacket with here

(TISH)

I kept a baby warm,

so I was in heaven.

some more planes came by to buzz us.

I bet this boyscout was thrilled to sit behind a gun like that.

(I don't even want to know the price of that monster bike)

I was saluted by some very special Vietnam Vets.

This helicopter was shot down several times, then brought back to the states to be restored.

We celebrated at the local vet center, where I read the names of honor.

I think even one of Santa's helpers showed up

I was supported by my boys and a wonderful family who loves me :)

Prayer

2010-11-14T07:07:00.000-08:00

It seems to be the only thing that works right now.

After a long day with lots of stressors I had decided that I was DONE. Done with everything and I wasn't going to do anything today! (even though I want to go to church). Life seemed so overwhelming I wanted to cry...but after some journaling, prayer that said "Please let me sleep well, and wake well rested in the morning."

and I did....

Ready to conquor another day.

Oh Sleep...

2010-11-10T20:17:00.000-08:00

Please come quickly tonight....

I am so tired

It has been a long day.

Constitution Day!

2010-09-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

Conflicting Emotions

It was quite a wonderful day until the evening dinner event.

I don't usually do well with the presentation of the colors.

It hurts.

I could feel myself slipping...

Thank goodness there was a hand for me go grab a hold of.

Safety...

A hand that brought me back to the world of the living.

...Not the Dead

The Moments You Wish for but can't plan

2010-09-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

Taking a road-trip on a whim,

and driving with the windows down listening to Boston.

Blowing Dandelion Seeds

Bear swinging on the exact same tire swing, that I swung on as a kid.

capturing the light

and the tongue of a cute little Bug!

or the way a child looks at the bottom of a slide.

or the kitty they found at the park.

(every other mother there yelled at their kids 'Don't touch the CAT!')

...but we did

...and they loved it.

I'm pretty sure the cat did too since he was purring the whole time!

Watching my little bear Sleep warm and safe.

Eating home-made ice cream straight from the hand cranked ice cream maker that probably came across the plains with the Mormon Pioneers

(don't know for a fact, but would probably put money on it if I were a bettin' gal)

It's a tradition at family gatherings.

Grandma-Great always fills it extra full so that after the air is whipped in,

every one grabs a spoon and takes a taste (or 3 or 4) before the men finish whipping again.

A wonderful couple

aka my brother and his beautiful wife.

Mid flip

Bear just Chillin' out at the park.

Then climbing.

and snugging, while Bug plays in the dirt by the tree.

aww....

This is one of the reasons I love to be a mom.

....and don't forget visiting Grandma at the Congressman's Office.

Grandma's always have treats :)

Sharing 1 shake between the 4 of us.

Picking Elderberries.

sour, but fun.

carefully picking them off one by one.

and enjoying the spoils

Sitting on the same steps with my kids where I played

"No Bears are out Tonight"

Feeding the horses.

and flying back to Grandma's house using our magic wings!

aka huge leafs.

We have been having a fun time.

With Grandma....Every thing is an Adventure.

And lovin' every minute of it.
These are the moments you can't plan. Just wait and let them come.
it's been fun

The Ceremony of the Masks

2010-09-11T23:09:00.000-07:00

I feel grateful to the people who have helped me heal.

I want you to know that I love you,

and I thank you for what you have done for me.

I have some amazing friends at my local VET CENTER

I love Bill who mans the front desk and asks me if I want a water or candy or any other kind of treat :)

He's even brought me grapefruit and my favorite

PINK COOKIES!

(love you bill)

Loraine and Paula have helped me along my journey, not only with PTSD,

but with other things as well.

They believe in me,

They love me,

They cry with me,

Heck,

They even sent me care packages when I was in the hospital at the Women's Trauma Recovery Program in Menlo Park California

Not only did they send care packages, but they included

Now and Laters

Which are one of my favorite sweets.

I used to wear a smile plastered to my face.

No matter what was going on in life,

I could stop,

Put a sparkle in my eyes,

and a smile on my face,

Very few people could see through my mask.

I wore it well,

and I wore it for many years.

It covered the pain that I felt on the inside.

It would stop the awkward moments when people would ask

"How are you doing today"

and no matter what,

I could smile and say

"Fine"

"great"

"Fabulous"

I learned to lie through my smile.

It was easier to smile, than it was to explain how bad I was suffering.

So I made some masks...

....and I don't need them anymore.

They have gone to be with someone that I love dearly.

She will keep them safe, and she will treasure them.

Because I don't need my masks anymore,

The smile I wear on my face is for REAL

I don't need them any more, because on the inside, I'm OK with me!

I love me!

I have found happiness!

It's been learning how to be OK with Me!

And a Great big Thank You to Mr. Math, who built me a logical smile on the day I gave my masks away.

You are awesome Chris!

Blessing or a Curse

2010-09-09T22:42:00.000-07:00

.....This is what I feel like.
Overcast
Angry
Down
Blue
Uncertain
Hurt
Vulnerable
A Storm is brewing inside of me.
It feels like a tornado......
....winding tighter and tighter.....
I feel like I am suffocating by trying to hide my PTSD and pretend like everything is fine.

When really I want to crawl into a hole and not let the world (aka family and loved ones) see how it really is, so in essence I am trying to calm my fears and suppress my triggers, in the hopes that they will see who they want to see.

ME, Back...The old me, the happy me

And don't get me wrong, I'm happy.....I just still have hard days and triggers.

And I am back. I am healing, and it's working,

But that doesn't mean that the memories and the dreams are all gone.

I want to fly....and I did, only I flew too high and landed on my back and the swing came and hit me on the head.

Baby steps...remember.
Oh, no! Not me, I have to do it grand.

So is it a blessing or a curse?
I look fine on the outside, even when I am suffering on the inside.

Family

2010-09-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

It's a great place to be.

Monday morning I drove to Utah to spend some healing time with the people that I love. It was a somewhat spontaneous trip. I am basking in the beauty of Utah, surrounded by people who love me. Bug and Bear are enjoying discovering the new bugs that grow in Utah. We have had lots of fun finding delicious things to eat in Grandma's garden.

It's nice to finally have a good relationship with the ones I care so dearly about.

Love,
Me

Sunset

2010-08-26T01:07:00.000-07:00

There have been some amazing sunsets lately.

I love that time in the morning when God greets us with a new day, and also the time in the evening, when he gives us color to show us hope for a better tomorrow.

I was utterly exhausted 4 hours ago and couldn't wait for sleep.

but sleep hasn't come.

There must be a reason.

Maybe someone needs hope for a brighter tomorrow.

and perhaps now I will sleep.

Peace

Love,

Why haven't you posted in so long?

2010-08-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

Well...If truth be told....I've been pretty sick. I'm going on twelve (12) days now. I thought I had the swine flu, or mononucleosis, or something terrible and wretched, but it turns out I simply had pneumonia, strep throat, and viral bronchialitis.

Go figure.

Who knew that those things could knock you into the bed so fast your eyes would spin.

And believe me, mine have.

I'm done with the antibiotics, steroids, and breathing treatments. So now it is Rest Rest Rest. And believe me I have had some of the weirdest dreams imaginable. I'm ready to be better, but my body says "REST"

I don't like that part. :(
...but I have good news for when I do post something next. I hope you keep reading

Symbolic

2010-08-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

A while back I wrote a post on

New Beginnings

I wrote that post because it was a time for me to change and grow.

I have been connected to that plant for a year now.

It was a gift from some special friends.

I received it shortly after returning home from my 3 month stay at the

Women's Trauma Recovery Program in Menlo Park California

(they also have a men's program for ptsd)

THIS link may be able to give you a bit more information.

I was given another Orchid last week.

Last year my plant has been through Hell.

It withered and the flowers died.

I nourished it.

It lost major leaves.

and still more grew.

It was re-potted and given special plant food.

Then the flood happened.

Which (at the time) I thought was a devastating blow to my life.

Believe me, you couldn't believe the hours I cried on the phone with my mom.

The workers used hot fans and cranked the house up to 130 degrees

My poor plant, the one I had worked so hard to nourish was scorched by the heat.

The flowers, my beautiful flowers withered slowly and died, as my plant fought to live.

The plant fought and sent out one small leaf.

Over the last 4 months the last three remaining leafs have slowly yellowed and died.

Leaving one leaf withering and dying.

One last hope.

I debated expending my energy trying desperately to make this thing survive.

And I chose not to.

That part of me is gone.

I am a different ME now.

So Goodbye my beautiful plant.

Thank you for the things you taught me.

Thank you for the Joy of your Beauty.

Thank you for parallelling my life over the last year.

But your time has come.

I send you off with a blessing of peace and thanks.

And I invite in the Beautiful life that I have become.

Because this flower is strong. It has great potential.

Already, it has three strong leaves on either side.

The flowers are in bloom, just like my life is blooming.

I am healing,
and I choose to nourish This life.

This beautiful life, with it's many branches of support, diversity, and potential.

Some of the blossoms are in full bloom, and others are tiny buds waiting to open and praise God with their Beauty.

I Choose to heal

I choose to be happy

And so I am!

Isn't the power of God amazing?

Look where I have come in a year!

I will still have my mountains,

but I made that choice, and am grateful for the things I have learned.

and now...

I am learning to nourish the good life,

not the part of me that was withering away and dying.

I am ready to know the Joy that comes from passing through extreme sorrow.

I want my light to shine!

Give a Boy His Bear

2010-08-18T00:43:00.000-07:00

I love watching little boy's play

(as long as it's not destructive)

ok and maybe sometimes when you are destroying things

I was pondering on what I wanted to share with you, my readers,

So I decided to scan through some old pictures from January 2010.

I have been sick in bed for like 5 days now.

I am missing my little 'Bug' and my little 'Bear'

I have had lots of snugs,

but I miss my little ones.

I'm ready for you to come home my dears.

Less time constraints,

and more creativity.

(maybe not the most humane way to treat a bear, but hey, he went along for the ride)

Bear named this little girl Rawry Tayney.

It's fun for me to watch them discover some of the softer things in life.

Like taking care of a bear.

Don't get me wrong...

that bear will fly and be sliced with the blades of the ceiling fan,

that bear will be dropped and used as a weapon, or whatever else little boys come up with.

but when they are gentle...

it's tender to my heart.

and most of all

I want to show them that they are LOVED!

and hopefully

(cross my fingers and close my eyes tight as I wish for a dream to come true)

They will be able to take that safe and secure love and share it with others.

See You tomorrow my little ones!

I have missed you.

Good News

2010-08-17T01:21:00.000-07:00

A kiss, a kiss, I got a kiss!

Have you ever had a Panic Attack?

2010-08-15T00:05:00.000-07:00

...well of course you have, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this blog....and I'd even go as far as to say you wouldn't be human if you hadn't ever experienced a panic attack. The thing about PTSD induced panic is that you really don't have any control over how your body will react to a certain stimulus. As my Dr. tries to explain to me. "you could hear a sound of a helicopter, and not even notice it, but your autonomic nervous system has already picked it up and has been releasing chemicals before you know what hit you. You can' control it! It's a normal reaction! Your body is preparing for a mass casualty, and you wonder why your heart is beating fast, as you sit at home safe with your children."

What do you mean I can't control it? Don't you know that us folks with ptsd have serious issues with power and control?

I know he would reply with something like
"you can either ride the roller coaster, or fight it with white knuckles and be miserable."

So......Last week I took Bear and Bug to the Phoenix Children's Museum. It was an absolutely amazing place to watch my children explore and discover things with their imagination.

They have an exhibit of hanging noodles. You know those pool noodles that people use to float on. Well they have about a million of them hanging from the ceiline.

When my brother and I were little, we would have loved to play hide n' seek, or tag in those things. The looked absolutely awesome!

So I decided to follow as my children plunged through to the other side.

.....

Oh wait a minute...

I could feel the panic as soon as my face first hit the noodles.

"where am I?, this is not safe? I can't easily defend myself in here, I haven't been on a recon of the area and a whole lot more of the Blah Blah Blah that runs around in my head.

I was about to talk myself out of it...

But I plunged forward.

I felt terrible anxiety,

I didn't like it,

BUT I DID IT.

That's the important part.

I concord something that was fearful to me.

Am I still alive?

Yes, of course I am,

Did I enjoy it? Not really,

but I did it.

And I encourage you to step into the uncomfortable and conquer some of your fears.

I never knew that taking my boys to the Children's Museum could be so triggering.

They had a grand time.
My bear posed for a pic in front of the awesomely decorated recycling bin.

Bug, pretended not to smile,

But the real fun came when they found a castle to paint.

And some artwork to discover

They even did a puppet show for mom.

All I'm saying is....Life can be scary
and it's not so fun to live with PTSD,
but you can do it.
all you need to do is BELIEVE and BREATH

You are no longer in a combat zone, and weather it be Walmart, the Grocery Store, Driving down the highway, or spending some time in the emergency room of a hospital. It's not war,
It's life....

...And life is good.

Aug 10th Pre Birthday

2010-08-13T08:01:00.000-07:00

Today was a wonderful surprise. My Arizona family surprised me with a Birthday Dinner, and a delicious Ganache cake.

I love you!

...and so I will wait patiently...because I love you!

2010-08-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

"The Blog Girl"

2010-08-06T22:57:00.000-07:00

Last week I was introduced to a man who said, "Oh! So you're the blog girl..." Well. I guess I am. And today this 'blog girl' would like to ask a question.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul.

If that is the case....

...then what do you see?

Life is good.

2010-08-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

I've been up for hours, had a completely filled day.
I feel loved,
I feel needed,
and I feel good.

...Next week it will have been a year since I started my blog.
Oh, how things change.

I love you Mom and Dad, and I wish you lived closer.
Come visit when you can.

Dreams do come True

2010-08-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

A while back, I decided to make a few dreams.

One of those dreams was to

'create a little slice of Heaven on Earth'

And I'm here to tell you today, that my dream has come true.

I may have hated moving into an apartment,

but I have created a little slice of Heaven in the space between floors one and three of building six.

It starts with a beautiful entry way with a picture of Christ,

a board with the words "Family, a Great Place to Be"

and a table filled with memorable things.

After that is our dining room.

We only have a small child sized table, and lots of projects waiting to be done by little boys in the cubbies

A wall with a few favorite pictures and some art work from my sisters.

Curtains, and comfy couches.

an addorable little boys bedroom.

Where lots of learning can take place.

a reading corner where we read our scriptures each night, and where I snug on my kids and tell them all kinds of stories.

a pink bathroom for mom!

...(I figured that I'm not sharing a room with a man right now, and I can be as girlie as I want. Complete with hot pink towels and rugs.)

And to top it all off, I got a new quilt and sheets for my bed. I love the colors, and my Bug enjoys falling asleep under them.

...The only thing missing now are some eggplant colored curtains for my room.

I love that my dream has come true.

Marvelous Monday

2010-08-02T22:24:00.000-07:00

I'm a Mormon!
Did you know that?
I think it's pretty fantastic.
There are some awesome short clips about other people who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You can watch them here.

Earlier today a friend of mine asked me for a copy of the Book of Mormon.
If anyone else would like a copy, I would be more than happy to send one to you. Simply email me at ptsdjourney@gmail.com

Love,

Me

Stilts

2010-07-31T23:47:00.000-07:00

Today was a wonderful day.

Flash Back

2010-07-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

First of all, let's flash back to last week.

I got invited to go with some friends to their family reunion. Great! My kids are gone...I'm not doing anything....perfect. Besides, I know some of their relatives and was excited. It was perfect. Food, dancing, family, pictures, laughter, stories, and lots and lots of genealogy. Over a meal of deep pit BBQ it happened.

The flashback.

Around the table it came up that I was a medic in the Iraq war...which led to a family elder telling a story from his firefighting days. Some people deal with trauma by talking about it humorously. Laughter is used to make a totally terrible story socially acceptable. That's one way of coping. I saw it a lot in the medical profession. It's a way to ease the tension. It's a way to be able to continue working with trauma patients. It's allows you not to crack emotionally under the weight of sorrow.

At first I wasn't totally clear that this firefighter was talking about people who had burned to death in a car crash. It seemed as though everyone around the table had already heard the story.

As soon as I figured out that we were talking about people and not a barbecue down the road I thought Oh, no. I don't want to listen. I started to feel sick inside and said that I didn't want to hear the rest of the story. He kept going...and not wanting to be rude, I stayed a moment longer to hear him tell of a woman who had asked him, "so what did it look like."

....and just like that I was gone! In the blink of an eye my mind had flashed back to the burned people I watched suffer and die. I stood and bolted for the door and ran outside. I could feel it...all of it coming back in my mind. No! No! No! I wanted to shout, but I was crying uncontrollably and shaking. How do you wash off that kind of pain? I felt as though all of the blood and human juices were all over my body again. I was wiping myself off and shaking my hands and trying so hard just to breath through the tears. I focused on the beautiful setting sun and the colors in the sky....it brought me some comfort, but no real relief from the suffering. I was angry! I felt vulnerable. I wanted to scrub all of the yuckness off of my skin with sand paper. As if my body was still covered in the fluid of death. I mourned, I cried, I shook...and to anyone else driving by might have thought I was crazy.

But I'm wasn't crazy. My body was simply reacting. At the time I was embarrassed and felt stupid for having a flashback. I was worried what this wonderful family might think of me.

...and then something wonderful happened. I was picked up from my bent over position in the rocks and held. Just held in strong safe, comforting arms. I cried, my breathing slowed, and I was safe. I still felt vulnerable, but it was exactly what I needed. A hug, a strong embrace.

In that moment I was witnessing one of God's promises being fulfilled. As Jesus taught the sermon on the mount he said, "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Oh what beautiful words. And it happened, it really happened! I was comforted!

Did it make all of the pain go away? No. Did I still cry? Yes. Did I still feel a bit embarrassed as I returned to the family function? Absolutely! Did it take me several days to realize this blessing? Yes...and that's OK, because I see how time heals deep wounds, and my Heavenly Father loves me, and has sent me wonderful people who show me his love by listening, by loving, and by holding.

Today is a day of celebration! On July 30th 2003 I left the middle east on a plane home. It's been seven years...

And today was good! Really Good

Boys Play

2010-07-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

It started raining just as I was going to start getting the kids ready for bed.

"Grumble Grumble", I thought to myself.

The kids had already been in the bath TWICE and the pool once today. And I didn't want to do it again.

BUT...

the part of me that loves to watch my children discover said, "let them play in the rain"

So I did
And I thought of my mother who used to sing this song.

Only she sounded much better than Barney.

Even the Elders joined in.

Just goes to show you that you're never too old to play in the rain!

Done

2010-07-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

....And just when you thought I couldn't get any cuter.....

I did :)

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

2010-07-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about cutting bangs.....

Must be time for a little hair therapy.
Once I cut it, I just want to cut it and cut it and cut it!

Note to Self

2010-07-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

Don't loose it right before bedtime.

No matter how hard it is to be a mom...don't loose it right before bed time. It's that critical moment of the day where children need a scripture, a story, a prayer, kisses, and a snug. But more than anything they don't need to go to sleep with a mad mommy. And in reality, mine won't fall asleep no matter how tired they are if they know I am upset.

So I fume, and then give in.

Today was a battle of the wills. It was almost like hearing the words, "How well is mom going to keep her cool despite the absolutely wretched tantrums we throw today."

I tried, believe me I tried, but there was a straw that broke this camel's back. And I sent Bug and Bear to sleep without any of the normal night time comforts.

But guess what?

My kids don't go to sleep if they know I am mad.

So.....

I have to quickly have a slice of humble pie, followed with a swallow of bitter pride. Sprinkle on some patience so that I can love my children to sleep.

Believe me....it's not easy.

Missing

2010-07-19T14:10:00.000-07:00

Dress up days are gone..

It's been a hard weekend...

emotionally speaking

I participated in some amazing miracles last week, that left me exhausted. The little ones went to visit their Dad for the weekend.

I was tired.

and lonely....

I miss our old house
(a little)
and some of the silly memories we made there.
The day's of dressing up in mom's clothes are gone.

I miss my short hair.

I miss Bear's long hair,

and I'm tired.

Oh, and before I forget.

2010-07-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

It has been 9 years since I enlisted in the Army

(it was a Friday the 13th)

I didn't ship out to Basic Training until September 6, 2001,

But I signed my contract on July 13th :)

oh the memories....

and Mom,

I know it's been hard....but I've learned a lot.

A week in Paradise

2010-07-13T21:44:00.001-07:00

What could be better than a road trip?

That ends with a Jetski ride...
A hike through the red rock

Some floating rubber,

and clear water?

and the way that water feels

as you eat it going 40 mph

(nothing like a fresh water enema to get your day started!)

A cute new Bathing suit,

Haircut,

Not to mention two happy kids.

who love to discover new adventures.

and eat delicious things

mmmm

Extended family who loves me,

and tells me that they see some of the old me.

(oh wait that's not it)

To crash and burn and get back up again.

little boys

who fly

like super hero's

A dive off of a rock

perfect

a sunset to die for

surrounded by the glories of God's nature!

I just spend a week that was virtually ptsd symptom FREE!

(everyone needs a vacation)

Compassion

2010-06-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

yeah, so I grabbed an audio book from the library on Tuesday, It is called the five people you meet in heaven. If you have ptsd I do not suggest reading this book. The message of the book was spectacular, but the war stuff brought back too many bad memories. This may have been due to the added musical effects from listening to it on CD. All in all, I wish the author all the best, but wouldn't suggest this particular book to people in the beginning stages of ptsd recovery(survival).

There is a part in the book where the main character uses a stone to wash the burned skin of a small girl, who was a casualty of war. (the setting takes place in heaven) It was graphic, and I didn't want to listen, but at the same time I didn't want to turn it off. I wanted a happy ending even thought it was so hard for me to get there. Some of my war trauma is related to people who had been badly burned. I thought of people I encountered who died from their burns and how I think it would be healing to symbolically cleaning their charred flesh until it shown like new.

For a long time I wished that there was something I could do for those who crossed my path who suffered and died in pain. I wish so badly that I could somehow do something for those people.

My memories of burns was re ignited a few years ago when a friend of mine was terribly burned in an airplane crash. Her tragedy opened a door to my memories that I thought was only there if I wanted it to be there. My heart plummeted when I heard that she had been burned over 80% of her body. My mind thought, "oh, my goodness, I totally know what that looks like." I felt light headed, and like I couldn't breath. In a waterfall full of past emotions I felt as though I was somehow drowning in the sorrows of war. I was angry. And underneath anger was sorrow, and under sorrow was fear, helplessness and a host of other emotions.

She survived.

and is still healing.

She writes an awesome blog called the NieNie Dialogues. It has been so wonderful to watch her heal. I wish her all the love in the world. Her story has been amazing.

For any of the the patients who died....
I know that you are gone, but I want you to know that I cared.
I may not have been able to do anything, but your presence left a memory in my heart. And I hope you have....

~Peace

Donations of the Heart

2010-06-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

Today I received a wonderful gift :) My heart feels happy because someone wonderful made me fry bread, watched my kids, and allowed me a free hour where I was able to socialize with some other women.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

To some, this act of kindness may seem small, but to me, it was everything! It was perfect, it was exactly what I needed. It meant so much I could cry tears of thanks. The perfect gift.

I feel like one of those tender Mormon Commercials , or a cheezy Hallmark card. I wish I new the best way to say thank you for what you did.

Sharing is Caring, and I care about YOU

2010-06-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes....
especially at the beginning of a diagnosis, it's hard to accept the acronym that someone has branded you with. "PTSD, MDD, OCD, HMI, HWV, MICA, ADHD" and a host of other letters. Sometimes that's a lot to take in.

All in all, the letters only mean something if they mean something to You. It's hard to be labeled by another person. Just like it was back in high school. The band geek, or the Jock, the cheerleader and the chess player. The drama club and the gangsta. The nerd and the prepster, the stoner, the lifer, the untouchable. Many of us have been labeled with something.

Just as a side note during part of High school I was a band nerd, but in my heart I was a popular cheerleader. Only I never tried out for the squad.

Sometimes it feels so hopeless when someone labels you. You want to yell out. "That's not me!" Sometimes people may look at you like you've done something wrong, and just keep praying and it will get better.

No
let me caps that
NO
Nope, not the case! No ifs ans or buts about it. The letters only mean something if you ascribe a negative thought to it.

The nice thing is, it's not like you are a slave to these letters. The diagnosing clinician did not pick up sentencing gavel and say, "OK, now hold out your forearm while we brand these letters into the flesh of your upper arm for the world to see. We will press extra hard to make sure they sere into your soul." (sarcastically)

Ptsd may suck, Let me take that back. PTSD does suck, and it may feel like you've been branded. The scars on your heart are real, make no mistake about that! But the invisible ones we have branded on our self esteems are just that. Invisible. They may show up in red or black, but in real life they don't exist.

They are adjectives! A word used to describe something. These letters do not make up a noun. YOU are a noun!

Love heals everything. If you don't believe me, hold a peacefully sleeping baby on your chest and just breath. Feel their heartbeat right next to yours. The love practically permeates your skin. Through whatever defenses you've put up. Smile and CRY dammit! Let somebody hug you. it's OK to cry.
It's OK to feel something. It's OK to be loved!
You deserve to be loved.

and you are...

sharing is caring and I care about YOU.

Grumpy Mommy

2010-06-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

Two Hours later....

and it's not so cute.
pray for peace...i mean sleep.
What a night.

This night needs to be celebrated,
but not now. now I need to sleep.

Sleep

2010-06-20T22:53:00.000-07:00

I've been surfing the web for the last little while

Just killing time before the kiddo's go to sleep.

It's almost eleven
Eleven PM
!!!

Why are they still awake at 11pm?

Riddle me this!

I gave them a Popsicle,

we called the grandparents,

we read stories,

we read scriptures

we prayed

I tucked them in

got the sippy cups,

Then..

They wanted to Snug

And me being the softy that I am said sure

come snug me in my bed.

after an hour of giggles and odd questions....

I decided it was bed time.

I closed the door to their room.

Now it is totally eleven, and I better go put and end to the endless energy.

It's kinda cute listening to Bug read a book to Bear

(even though he doesn't even know all the letters in the alphabet)

They are talking of eagles

power rangers

dinosaurs

They are clearly having a blast.

What did they eat over at dad's?

It must have been something good.

I'm ready for sleep.

Home

2010-06-19T20:22:00.001-07:00

While my kids have been with their dad this weekend, I have been working on making our house(apartment) a homey touch. The curtains have been hung, the laundry is done, and everything has a place. I love order and cleanliness. It's hard with kids and depression. I even painted my toes. I love it!

Comfort

2010-06-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

Two hours later, and I feel better.

Life Isn't Fair

2010-06-15T21:55:00.000-07:00

I'm tired,
My heart is hurting, and I feel like I don't fit in.

I feel especially sad tonight listening to my children call their dad's new wife mom, and me by my first name. My first name is Kimberly and I love it. I think it's a beautiful name, but from my children I want to hear mommy, not Kimberly. I am their mother. I know they are small and don't know the difference, and usually it doesn't bother me, but tonight it stung.

maybe..

Because I'm emotionally exhausted,

I'm lonely,

I miss my family,

I'm tired of parenting alone,

I'm tired of crying into a pillow with no shoulder to cry on.

I'm tired of putting on a happy face.

I'm tired of feeling like I don't fit in.

I don't want to feel depressed.

I don't want to jump at loud noises.

I don't want to panic when I hear the sound of a helicopter.

I don't want this.

This is what PTSD feels like to me.

As I sleep at night I may be reminded of blood, fear, pain, and suffering, but in my heart of hearts I dream of....

Magestic mountains, A peaceful old farmhouse with a big back porch. A chicken coop where I take the little ones every morning to discover natures art of egg laying. A huge comfy chair for reading. A tree with a tree house and tire swing. The smell of the wholegrain waffles with fresh strawberries and whipped cream that I make everymorning for breakfast. A small stream with a little bridge. Tadpoles and fish, butterflies and lightning bugs. I want to see these things in a jar on my kitchen table. Enough room for guests, and yet cozy enough to be close and snug. I dream of a sky so clear that it draws us to nightly stargazing and eternal pondering. Enough land for children to embrace a childhood filled with discovery. A porch swing to chat with friends and have moral discussions with my children. Enough pets to teach responsibility, enough laughter to drown away our sorrows, and enough love to last a life time. That's what I dream of. A place of peace, a space of love, My little slice of heaven on earth.

Cry

Lonely

2010-06-14T19:22:00.000-07:00

PTSD is lonely.

Overcoming Fear

2010-06-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week a girlfriend of mine invited me to go to Sedona with a group of her family on Thursday I LOVE Sedona, and the thought of taking my kids to slide rock sounded awesome. But as the week progressed I began feeling more and more hesitant about going. I told myself that it would just be too hard with two little ones, but after doing some digging into my ptsd symptoms I really found out that I was avoiding the whole idea.

(avoidance is a major contributor to ptsd) just so you know.

So I decided to ask why?

and I answered myself because it's not safe and it will be too hard.

What's not safe?

Being around all those people.

Really why not?

Because I'm uncomfortable, and what if I can't easily leave if I start to panic.

So what?

uhhh....because I feel safer when I am in comfortable surroundings.

Of course you do.

The conversation went on and on until I realized that I was avoiding something that I knew deep down could be fun. Still not wanting to go, I committed to my friend and my kids that we would be going.

I could argue all day with reasons why my ptsdfriend didn't want to go. (driving is stressful, what if something happens, what if the kids get away, what if something happens in the canyon or someone gets hurt, what if there is a rock slide and on and on and on.)

So I Went.

With anxiety in my heart and determination in my head, I was going to beat it.

And you know what??? It was stressful. I was right. The drive was stressful, being around the crowds of people was stressful, and even watching the kids venture into the water was stressful.

But guess what? I made it, and I even had a pretty good time after a few hours to get settled in. It was fun to see the boys venture off and play in the water. Bug really liked going down the natural water slides. Bear did lots of hiking in and around the water. I even did a little cliff jumping. (I even took both boys off of a ten footer). I was feeling adventurous and climbed over to the high cliffs and jumped off of a 35 foot cliff. I didn't stand and hesitate, I waited for some people to move, and then off I lept. It was a rush and it was totally fun. I haven't done something like that in a Long time. After that jump I felt much better and really enjoyed myself.
.
.
.
.
.
because I wasn't afraid.

All that piddly stuff I was afraid of wasn't even real fear. Jumping off of a 35 foot cliff into snow melt river water should give some cause for fear. Not a fun afternoon with family and friends!
And so, something switched for me. (and I'm grateful)

I enjoyed myself.

and part of me healed.

To anyone who may be reading, "Good luck on your Journey!"

Puzzling Questions of my Childhood

2010-06-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

As a young girl growing up I didn't understand the term Hero. At the beginning of the school year there would often be questions like Who is your favorite sports star, what are your hobbies, what is your favorite song, and who is your hero?

I was often puzzled by the term Hero. What is a hero? The typical answers were the fireman, rescue team, and others who have saved another's life. I always left my space blank, because I didn't have a particular Hero.

As I ponder my thoughts on heroism I have come to the following impressions, and have come to the conclusion that I know many Hero's.

A hero is:

The home or visiting teacher who persists in their contact.

It's the infantry soldier who reaches out to a support group and gives a voice to his demons and realizes that he is not alone.

It's the mother who selflessly caries a child in her womb giving constant nourishment to a growing life.

It's the one person that answers the phone when you really need a talk, or who opens the door and gives you a shoulder to cry on.

It's the lonely soul that cries to God with the faith that He will answer.

It's the mother who leaves an abusive marriage in order to give her children hope of a future free of violence and control.

It's the callused Vietnam vet who holds his new grand baby despite the memories that flood his mind as the child begins to cry.

It's the person that doesn't say, "I understand what you're feeling." It's the person who acknowledges that you are hurting.

It's the leader who shows the moral courage to stand up for what is right.

It's the person who looks for a human connection when they are suffering, not a drug, porn, alcohol, cutting or other destructive behavior to dull the emotions.

It's the woman who drops everything and drives across the country in search of purple and yellow pansies to fulfill a dream that she has had.

It's the addict who makes a commitment to work a program. (Even if it is their 17th time starting a 12 step cycle)

It's the servicewoman who acknowledges how difficult it is to be a woman in the military.

It is any person who is able to change when the odds feel completely impossible.

It's the one who prays in faith for a miracle.

It's my Mother.

My Grandmother,

And my Great Grandmother who taught me by example how to love, how to serve, and how to sacrifice.

And above all my Savior Jesus Christ who has shown me the way.

How do they do it?

2010-06-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

I am totally amazed by these people who can write a blog post EVERY day.

It feels like forever since I've written anything.

Updates:
The kids father is moving back to GA in 6 weeks
I might be able to move closer to my family :)
Little Bear has pink eye (probably from the pool) Yuck!
I found a really great site for service dogs that help with PTSD
I have gone to the singles ward a couple times
Got a personalized license plate to raise awareness of PTSD
That's about all I can think of for now.

Oh, wait....

So this morning I didn't want to take Bear to the Dr's office for pink eye.

So I googled natural home remedies for pink eye.

I found THIS

I figured I would try a couple things out.

I didn't have any fennel seeds, chamomile flowers, turmeric, or boric acid.

but I did find a few items.

I went out side and broke off a small piece of an aloe plant.

Have you ever smelled that stuff?

It's like bitter B.O. and there was no way I was using that on my kid, so I tossed it in the trash.

I decided to go for the potato method, honey, and baking soda.

So I washed little Bear's eyes with the baking soda and water solution,

Then I applied potato slices to his eyes, (we did not wait the suggested 20 minutes)

and then for the honey.

I gooped up my finger with some of deseret's finest cannery honey

and ran my finger across his left eye followed by the right.

Bad idea...

"Ah!!!! Mom I have Fire eyes!!!"

uh oh

Fire eyes is not a good thing.

So we blinked and wiped the goo away.

Later in the morning I decided to wipe some honey in my eyes so I knew what it felt like.

Bear was right. It totally gave me "Fire Eyes", but went away quickly with a little blinking.

needless to say...we made it to the doctor this afternoon. Enough home remedies for today.

I hope to write more soon, but by the end of the day...
I feel like this.

One Year Later

2010-05-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

A year ago today I arived in Menlo Park California where I attended the Women's Trauma Recovery Program for PTSD.
I remember a friend telling me that I would look back a year later and be amazed.

And I am....

I'm healing

Service

2010-05-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

There are many types of service. The first that comes to my mind is the selfless acts of kindness we perform for others.

The next is military service, and "oh, You were in the service?" (It usually comes from an older generation)

In the service of God,

But today I want to talk about the service that makes my skin crawl for about 20 minutes. The kind when you want to rip through the papers and yet toss them at the same time. This eerie type of service is the service you get when you are about to be given court papers. (Where is a crazy faced emoticon when you need one)

I was served last night, by two very masculine looking women. It was weired. And in the Albertsons parking lot no less.

Excuse me miss, Watch out, you have been served! And it's off to court in a couple of months.

(I wish my camera would not have fallen in the pool. I want more pictures)

Everyone Needs an Allison

2010-05-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

Allison's are special people. It's not the name that makes an Allison. Allison represents true charity and friendship. It's this kind of purity that makes an Allison. Allison's can be mothers, sisters, friends, aunts, kindred spirits, church members, doctors, therapists, healers, and anyone else with a kind and compassionate heart.

Everyone needs a friend.

They listen,

They love,

They encourage,

They believe.

Everyone Should have an Allison

Apartment Living

2010-04-29T21:40:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I've never lived in an apartment before.

Ok, technically I have, because I lived in one with my parents when I was like 2 or 3.

And I lived on the futon in my friends 1 bedroom when I was pregnant with Bug and still in the Army.

But I don't think those really count.

Because today I am living in a real bonafied apartment. And it's mine.

And let me tell you something about apartments.

They aren't very kind to ptsd.

Privacy-No

Security-hmmmm not so much

Weird noises-Check

Strange lighting-Check

Unknown neighbors-Check

The list could go on and on.

I have a feeling that apartment living may be challenging and healing.

Because I have to Change

Adapt

and

Grow

(ME)

Day 1.5

2010-04-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

Today is day 1.5 that we have been in our new home. Sorry I don't have any pictures to post, but my camera went for a swim in the pool at the hotel.

It's cozy, and I'm sure I will just love it once everything is put away.

Stress has been high this month...

Patience has been.....tested....

I wanted to write about my time in Iraq and throw in a couple journal entries from years past, but I've been too busy.

Sending blessings to all.

Love you,

Me

Awww Tender

2010-04-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

Change

It is a time for growing, loving, and learning.

I have experienced some incredible healing over the last couple months.

When I wrote about my Orchid I had no idea how my life would change, just as my orchid bloomed and changed.

The plant went through a rather quick life cycle.

One flower opened, then another, and another

until there were 3 blooms

Two buds fell off, but it was still ok.

after the flood it was scorched in the house with all of the heaters and fans.

I thought it might come back to life with a little tlc.

But all of the flowers fell off, one of the leaves is burned badly, and the stem has dried and looks as if it is ready to crumble.

This life cycle came quick.
I'm glad I was able to enjoy the blossoms for a few days.

My life has also been changing.
Tomorrow is a time to start again.
I am moving.
To my first ever apartment.

It feels like forever...

2010-04-24T00:59:00.000-07:00

Hello all of my wonderful and addoring fans :)
I thought I would write a quick post before going to bed for the 2nd time tonight.
I fell asleep at nine, woke up at 11:59 and have been awake working on stuff since then.

It feels like I haven't written a post in FOREVER,
and that's because it has been a long time.
I have been focused on the very basic of needs for my family.

The house we were/are??? renting flooded over 3 weeks ago and the kids and I have been staying in a hotel. The novelty has worn off, but I am still grateful that I am not living out of my car or in a shelter somewhere.

I've been so busy and I am tired.

Any prayers would be greatly appreciated

Seven Years and a Day.

2010-03-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

It has been seven years and one day since I entered Iraq.

And I'm still exhausted....

I saw my first dead body on March 22, 2003.

Sometimes It's hard to remember.

when I say it's hard to remember, I don't mean that It's hard to remember.

All I have to do is fall asleep, and I will relive it in my dreams.

or smell the smell of burning flesh,

or feel the desert wind blow across my face.

You can find a memory in just about anything.

and don't worry,

they aren't always negative memories.

sometimes they are good.

When I say it's hard to remember, I don't mean that it's actually hard

I mean it just brings up hard feelings.

suggestion

2010-03-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

We are coming up on the 7th anniversary of the invasion into Iraq. If you have the time watch this video.

I think they did a good idea. Soldiers hearts are real.

Love,

Me

Bagooooons!!!

2010-03-10T22:21:00.000-08:00

Balloons have been a family favorite for years.

Bear enjoyed them from the womb

while Bug played with them calling

Bagoons Bagoons

Just too cute!

So the other day I stopped off at the GOODWILL. I like to frequent local thrift stores to find some of their treasures. This time I located some Bagoons. A whole box filled with them.

I imagined how much fun the boys would have with these little treasures.

(It's amazing how much fun a little piece of rubber can be)

But after looking at the price I was shocked.

5 bucks for some balloons?

Are you serious?

That's absurd!

So I did the same thing any self-respecting shopper should do.

(I learned this secret watching my mother)

It's also known as the Haggle!

Yes,

The haggle.

And talk about desperate it you are haggling the checker at the second hand store.

She had to get a manager.

We waited and waited for the man to come.

(as a side note I have done this before with NO success)

The long line of customers behind me also waited.

And waited.

for me

with ONE item

a five dollar item at that

When the manager arrived he looked at the balloons

and said,

"man I wouldn't even pay 5 bucks for these. She can have them for $1.99

I new my mother would be proud!

During middle school I learned some new skills

I had a friend named Charity who wanted to be a clown.

She rode a unicycle,

She could juggle,

she could do magic tricks,

and Charity could make balloon animals.

I tried and tried to ride the unicycle, and juggle, or even do magic,

But sadly,

I was never going to be a clown :(

I could however,

Twist balloons into all sorts of fun things.

Like the traditional sword

(a favorite for many little boys, including my Bear)

or the poodle.

(Bug wanted a family of three dogs, the red ones popped)

And who can forget the kissing love birds?

Although....there was a pink heart surrounding them.

But....

It popped too.

This time I tried a new creation.

The octopus!

And I still have skills

--------------------------------------------

on another note....

I had no idea how badly balloons would trigger my ptsd symptoms.

with every explosion I would jump.

It got worse as the day wore on.

The kids wanted to play for hours and hours and hours.

I was determined not to let my ptsd get the better of me!

So I indulged them,

and we played,

and played,

and played some more.

I had so much fun teaching them to blow them up,

and shooting the rocket ones across the room,

and sword fighting with bear.

It was stupendous!

Until it was time for them to have a sleepover at their dad's house.

That's when the effects of the day hit me.

Popping balloons sound an awful lot like small arms fire.

small arms fire reminds me of....

well you know.....

WAR.

By the time I laid my head down on my pillow I was so frazzled.

In my mind I could hear balloons popping, and machine gun sounding off in the background.

"No"

I would tell myself,

I'm at home, I am safe, I'm not in Iraq.

I was fighting an inner battle.

Each time I closed my eyes I was somewhere else, hearing things.

My body would even jump at these illusion sounds.

No matter what I did, I would still jump.

I was determined not to let them get the better of me.

I found that when I opened my eyes and concentrated on the wall,

the gunfire in my mind would stop.

It was exhausting.

How was I ever going to get to sleep?

Finally

Somehow

Sleep came.

And I was grateful.

I asked my Doctor about it.

He started spouting medical mumbo jumbo about the brain, and sub cortex,

and autonomic,

and

you can't control it.

Hmmmm

Not that I understood what he was saying,

But basically I got the jst that

sometimes our bodies respond to things without us making a conscious decision.

and before we know it our bodies have been filled with chemicals and hormones that cause our body to react a certain way

ie: rapid breathing

increased heart rate

hyper alertness

All of this can happen before we realize what is going on.

ptsd is not a conscious choice

something in your brain and body literally change.

Note to self: "do not purchase cheap, old, balloons!"

A time to Change. A time to Grow

2010-03-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

As life comes and goes there are changes

The other day I was talking with my sister about New Beginnings.

Those times where you 'turn over a new leaf'

start working on a new goal

even celebrating the changes in the seasons.

I have started a new chapter in the Journey of my Life.

I found it remarkable that my orchid thought the same thing too.

The first bud is beginning to open.

I have been nurturing this plant (with some assistance)

since my birthday last August.

It was given to me by Paula and Loraine

(whom I love dearly)

The flowers withered and died when I was gone to California

for the Ride2Recovery.

I thought I was going to loose my beautiful plant :(

But it has truly surprised me.

I love new beginnings.

Maybe that's why birth and life are so special.

As a medic I was shocked to witness

the different kinds of trauma that a human can survive.

Each cell working together to repair, mend, and renew an individual.

It's an amazing process that takes time.

This bud may take several days so fully open,

Just as the journeys in our lives take time.

A New Chapter

A New Start

I am beginning to recover

I am starting to heal.

I may be a small bud that has split,

But inside there is a flower waiting to bloom.

This is my year!

and to start a new beginning

I have decided to turn my guest room

(Loo's Room)

into a SCHOOL ROOM.

I'm excited by the wonderful things I have found.

I look forward to setting it up

and then one day

Surprising my Kids with the finished product.

Stickers,

Paper,

Letters,

Art,

Stamps,

Books,

Crafts,

Manipulative's,

and a whole lot more.

I'm excited to see what the kids and I can discover together.

So.....with love, learning, and excitement....

I will embrace my new beginnings.

The Joy's of Motherhood

2010-03-07T20:13:00.000-08:00

hmmmm...

To the untrained eye, the design on my shirt may look like a silk screen of contemporary art.

But for those of you who have experience raising a child...

You may see the design for what it really is.

Just another one of the Joy's of

Motherhood!

Poop!

Puke!

Spit!

Snot!

Dirt!

Grime!

Pain!

And a whole lot more!

In reality this design represents the three

(count them not one, not two, but three)

times that my child has thrown up on me by 9am.

Motherhood is a job that I was not entirely ready for.

But after 5 years of doing it....

I'd have to say that I'm pretty good at it.
Who am I kidding?

I'm a great mother!

I can even laugh and take a picture at the 2nd time my child has vomitted on me.

Only to change the sheets an hour later when it happens again.

There are many joys of motherhood.

I wonder what a job description would look like for a mother.

!WANTED!

Someone Who Will Sacrifice Everything For Another!

Becoming a mother is one of those life long defining moments.

Overalls vs. King Tut

2010-03-04T13:03:00.000-08:00

As a teenager I probably would have died if I would have worn something 10 years out of style.

But yesterday the kids and I had a contest.

I decided to wear overalls.

The boys decided to dress up like.
King Tut
Look at that stunning headdress.

Who do you think won?

Could I be a Philosopher???

2010-03-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

These fantastic pictures were found on Google.

Today I sat thinking.

And wondered

if I could be like the philosophers of old.

And think new thoughts.

and create new schools of thought.

hmmm.

I have been reading a great deal about people who have had a great impact on society.

Plato,

Aristotle,

Socrates

To name the most popular

What do I know that hasn't already been discovered?

Maybe nothing,

Maybe something

who knows

But I'm on the search for something spectacular.

If I find it I will let you know.

But I do know this...

I was asked in an ethical debate weather I thought the good of the many should outweigh the good of one.

I thought and decided that in many cases I would choose the good of the one over the good of the many.

Why?

Because Jesus left the ninety and nine to go and get the one lost lamb.

I guess that if I were the 1, I would want someone to come and get me.

Selfish?

Maybe...

But I would also want Jesus to go and get you.