Stilts

Today was a wonderful day.

Flash Back

First of all, let's flash back to last week.

I got invited to go with some friends to their family reunion. Great! My kids are gone...I'm not doing anything....perfect. Besides, I know some of their relatives and was excited. It was perfect. Food, dancing, family, pictures, laughter, stories, and lots and lots of genealogy. Over a meal of deep pit BBQ it happened.

The flashback.

Around the table it came up that I was a medic in the Iraq war...which led to a family elder telling a story from his firefighting days. Some people deal with trauma by talking about it humorously. Laughter is used to make a totally terrible story socially acceptable. That's one way of coping. I saw it a lot in the medical profession. It's a way to ease the tension. It's a way to be able to continue working with trauma patients. It's allows you not to crack emotionally under the weight of sorrow.

At first I wasn't totally clear that this firefighter was talking about people who had burned to death in a car crash. It seemed as though everyone around the table had already heard the story.

As soon as I figured out that we were talking about people and not a barbecue down the road I thought Oh, no. I don't want to listen. I started to feel sick inside and said that I didn't want to hear the rest of the story. He kept going...and not wanting to be rude, I stayed a moment longer to hear him tell of a woman who had asked him, "so what did it look like."

....and just like that I was gone! In the blink of an eye my mind had flashed back to the burned people I watched suffer and die. I stood and bolted for the door and ran outside. I could feel it...all of it coming back in my mind. No! No! No! I wanted to shout, but I was crying uncontrollably and shaking. How do you wash off that kind of pain? I felt as though all of the blood and human juices were all over my body again. I was wiping myself off and shaking my hands and trying so hard just to breath through the tears. I focused on the beautiful setting sun and the colors in the sky....it brought me some comfort, but no real relief from the suffering. I was angry! I felt vulnerable. I wanted to scrub all of the yuckness off of my skin with sand paper. As if my body was still covered in the fluid of death. I mourned, I cried, I shook...and to anyone else driving by might have thought I was crazy.

But I'm wasn't crazy. My body was simply reacting. At the time I was embarrassed and felt stupid for having a flashback. I was worried what this wonderful family might think of me.

...and then something wonderful happened. I was picked up from my bent over position in the rocks and held. Just held in strong safe, comforting arms. I cried, my breathing slowed, and I was safe. I still felt vulnerable, but it was exactly what I needed. A hug, a strong embrace.

In that moment I was witnessing one of God's promises being fulfilled. As Jesus taught the sermon on the mount he said, "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Oh what beautiful words. And it happened, it really happened! I was comforted!

Did it make all of the pain go away? No. Did I still cry? Yes. Did I still feel a bit embarrassed as I returned to the family function? Absolutely! Did it take me several days to realize this blessing? Yes...and that's OK, because I see how time heals deep wounds, and my Heavenly Father loves me, and has sent me wonderful people who show me his love by listening, by loving, and by holding.

Today is a day of celebration! On July 30th 2003 I left the middle east on a plane home. It's been seven years...

And today was good! Really Good

Boys Play

It started raining just as I was going to start getting the kids ready for bed.

"Grumble Grumble", I thought to myself.

The kids had already been in the bath TWICE and the pool once today. And I didn't want to do it again.

BUT...

the part of me that loves to watch my children discover said, "let them play in the rain"

So I did
And I thought of my mother who used to sing this song.

Only she sounded much better than Barney.

Even the Elders joined in.

Just goes to show you that you're never too old to play in the rain!

Done

....And just when you thought I couldn't get any cuter.....

I did :)

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

I'm thinking about cutting bangs.....


Must be time for a little hair therapy.
Once I cut it, I just want to cut it and cut it and cut it!

Note to Self

Don't loose it right before bedtime.

No matter how hard it is to be a mom...don't loose it right before bed time. It's that critical moment of the day where children need a scripture, a story, a prayer, kisses, and a snug. But more than anything they don't need to go to sleep with a mad mommy. And in reality, mine won't fall asleep no matter how tired they are if they know I am upset.

So I fume, and then give in.

Today was a battle of the wills. It was almost like hearing the words, "How well is mom going to keep her cool despite the absolutely wretched tantrums we throw today."

I tried, believe me I tried, but there was a straw that broke this camel's back. And I sent Bug and Bear to sleep without any of the normal night time comforts.

But guess what?

My kids don't go to sleep if they know I am mad.

So.....

I have to quickly have a slice of humble pie, followed with a swallow of bitter pride. Sprinkle on some patience so that I can love my children to sleep.

Believe me....it's not easy.

Missing

Dress up days are gone..

It's been a hard weekend...

emotionally speaking

I participated in some amazing miracles last week, that left me exhausted. The little ones went to visit their Dad for the weekend.

I was tired.

and lonely....

I miss our old house
(a little)
and some of the silly memories we made there.
The day's of dressing up in mom's clothes are gone.

I miss my short hair.

I miss Bear's long hair,

and I'm tired.

Oh, and before I forget.

It has been 9 years since I enlisted in the Army

(it was a Friday the 13th)

I didn't ship out to Basic Training until September 6, 2001,

But I signed my contract on July 13th :)

oh the memories....

and Mom,

I know it's been hard....but I've learned a lot.

A week in Paradise

What could be better than a road trip?

That ends with a Jetski ride...
A hike through the red rock

Some floating rubber,

and clear water?

and the way that water feels

as you eat it going 40 mph

(nothing like a fresh water enema to get your day started!)

A cute new Bathing suit,

Haircut,

Not to mention two happy kids.

who love to discover new adventures.

and eat delicious things

mmmm

Extended family who loves me,

and tells me that they see some of the old me.

(oh wait that's not it)

To crash and burn and get back up again.

little boys

who fly

like super hero's

A dive off of a rock

perfect

a sunset to die for

surrounded by the glories of God's nature!

I just spend a week that was virtually ptsd symptom FREE!

(everyone needs a vacation)