Staying awake

Hard Candy is my weakness on road trips.

Missing My Dudes!

I love these little pieces of heaven.

They brighten my world and I thank them for loving me, and I thank God for sharing these sweet bundles.

I miss them dearly and can't wait to see them on Monday!

You are fiercely loved!

Saturday Night Fun

I'm pretty sure that every pillow in the house has been used to make a camp out on the floor of the boys bedroom.

They are thrilled and went to sleep remarkably fast.

I have been cleaning my little heart out because I Love to wake up to a sparkling house in the morning.

I love where I live.

I love it more when the counters are cleaned and sanitized, when the carpet lines have not been walked on, when the furniture is dusted and polished, when the boys have cleaned the bathrooms (which I promptly give a quick once-over)

I feel like my life is manageable when my boys are happy and my house is clean.

Now I feel like I'm ready for the Sabbath.

Bed

Sometimes I wonder why I even make my bed. It's only 9am and I'm climbing back in.

Mermaids

Who knew that mermaids hang out at the local pool?

I sure didn't. It was really cool to watch them swim.

When I first saw Disney's The Little Mermaid I wanted to be Ariel.

Who wouldn't? Being a mermaid sounds so cool. And these ladies are professional mermaids. Who would have thought!

Ugg

I've been sleeping more and more the last few days.
Early Bedtimes.
Daytime naps.
I thought I was just depressed,
but it turns out I'm just sick.

Dead Duck

I hit the duck while driving home from the store tonight. He exploded in a puff of feathers in my side view mirror. His death was illuminated by the car driving behind me.
I don't feel very good about this. In fact I'm a bit numb. Although, I did have a tearful outburst while putting my kids to bed.
This sucks.

Just Go To Sleep

Sometimes I think I should just go to sleep. That way I can avoid all of these intrusive thoughts that bombard my brain and make my heart hurt. I figure that my subconscious can work things out as I sleep. Lets just cross our fingers and hope that I don't remember the dreams.

Maybe I'm avoiding sleep by staying up so late that I finally crash. What do you do when you are afraid of your own thoughts and your afraid of what might come visit you in your dreams?

Decisions, decisions. Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Monday Night Fun

I wanted pink toenails.
....So did a couple of other little people.
My boys wanted patterns.
(They think they have the coolest wolverine claws EVER)
I hope no one destroys their fun. Even if the colors they chose are pink!

Happy Easter

I have been feeling sick and miserable since Thursday.
Strep Throat is no fun, and it has gone around, and around, and around our house.
I was the last to get it....and the hardest hit. (I think)
Luckily my family stepped in to help with the kids who are feeling better after a week of antibiotics.
Unfortunately I misunderstood the doctors instructions. I thought it was one pill twice a day, and didn't realize it was TWO pills twice a day. Too bad it took until today to figure out why I had 40 tablets.
No wonder I have been in bed since Thursday evening.
I have literally not been able to do anything but lay in bed. Or fall asleep on the heater, or stumble painfully to the bathroom.
Today I showed a small sign of success.
This afternoon I actually walked to the living room.

When the kids came home this evening I told them that I wasn't able to get to the store to buy stuff to fill their Easter baskets. (In truth I don't even have a basket)

But just as I was putting them to bed I heard the doorbell ring.
And what a surprise was found on the doorstep.

The basket is complete with real living grass!
Amazing!
.....one more for the kindness team.
YES! Still goodness in the world!
Thank you family for helping with the boys and letting them dye eggs and other festivities.
And thank you anonymous "Easter Bunny".

More than the Sun. Farther than the Moon, and Beyond the Stars

Six months ago I wrote a letter to myself.  Last week I saw it peeking through the mail slot in my front door.

It read:

"Dear Kimberly,

I am writing this letter to remind you of who you are and who I know you can become.  This time of year is usually hard for you and I want you to remember that it is OK to Grieve the losses that you have experienced.  You are OK and you will be OK.  

You are a strong woman and you are loved.  You are a wonderful Mother and your children are lucky to have you.  Remember that Mothers Day saying that Bishop Goff gave you.  "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

You are lovable and you are likable.  Sometimes you get down on yourself.  Stand up and reclaim that power that is inside of you.  Bad things happen to good people, but Good things also happen to good people.  And good things will happen for you.  Don't give up.  There is hope and happiness ahead.  Some blessings come early, some come late, and some don't come till Heaven.  Remember what Elder Holland said.

A word of caution.  You tend to use humor and sarcasm as a deflection.  Sometimes you use it to avoid feeling the gravity and the heaviness of your life's experiences.  It's OK to say no and not share.  Speak your truth, whatever that is in the moment.  

It is scary to be vulnerable and to cry.  Sometimes you see it as a sign of weakness, but truly it is one of your greatest strengths.  

You have a good Heart.  You have a pure heart.  You are kind, courageous and compassionate.

I hope all of the best for you in your life.  I want so badly for your dreams to come true.  I want you to find that system of support that you are so desperately searching for.

Remember Hope, Faith, and Love.  Kindness to others and charity.  These are gifts that you possess.

Be patient with your family.  One day they might actually get it.

I hope that you have a beautiful house.  I want you to have all of the things you need and also the things you want.

Build unity with your children.  Try to connect with them each day.  Love them, play with them.  Parent without shame or guilt.  For yourself and your children.  

Have fun.  Read. Love. And remember to laugh, deep full belly aching laughs.  

You are special.  You make a difference.  You are wonderful and amazing.  

I love you more than the sun, farther than the moon and beyond the stars.

Love Always,

Me"

What Happened to Spring?

Costco

Does anyone else hate going to Costco?

Luckily I found out that their slow day is Monday morning.

Note to self...

Avoid Costco....the crowds of people have the potential to ruin your day.

Welcome Spring

It's finally here!
New life.
New beginnings.
New growth.
New opportunities.
Thank God for spring!

Success...I Hope

The Munchkins found the clover pieces on the floor.

It took a while, but we enjoyed a breakfast of cereal with green milk.

The leprechauns always turned the milk green at my home growing up.  

They also managed to dye the sugar in the sugar bowl from time to time.

For dinner we stopped by Grandma-Great's (aka Grandma-Grape) for some green pancakes.

I love that my children get to know my Grandmother.  She is wonderful.

She even sat down to watch an old TV recording of Faerie Tale Theatre.

If you would like to enjoy these childhood classics, check them out on Amazon.

"Kiss Me! I'm Irish" (I think)... 

and it's been a really long time.

St. Patrick's Day

I also borrowed my Mom's food coloring to turn the milk green.

A favorite tradition from my childhood!

Grateful

I am so truly grateful for so many things.

 

As of today I simply haven't found the words to express how I feel.

Thank you for your kindness.

I hope that my lips can speak, (and my fingers can write) the gratitude that has been penned in my heart.

Thank You, Thank You,Thank You!

Procrastination

Yes.
I am!

Snow Day

I had an adventure today. 

I'll tell you about it later. 

Right now I am off to sleep after a long day of sunshine,

 fresh air, snow, family, mountains, and rediscovered love.

....

Thank God for people who get it!

Late Night Sickie

It's no fun to be sick. 

Especially after a good day mixed with shopping, fun, school, chores, play, and a pizza party that ended with a movie on Mom's bed.

Yet here we are.

Little Bear doesn't want to sleep alone, 

so I made him a comfy bed on the floor next to mine.

The floor has a double layer of yoga mats in case somehow he misses that huge pot.  

Then a squishy camping mat, topped with an orange blanket that has been folded in half.

I'm hoping this protects my floors.

(I'm already doing laundry from last hours mess)

Dumping the pan and then washing it is part of loving my children.

Notice I have a towel on my head.

That is because I went to snuggle my coughing child and then realized that I was laying in his vomit.

That smell hits you like no body's business.

On to the shower for a quick scrub down.

Now my hair is wet.

Should I sleep on it wet and wake up with a mangled wavy mess, or do I wake the house up with the blow-dryer to make my hair nice to sleep on?

I took precautions with my little Bug.

Hopefully if he gets sick later, he will find the pan :)

Hip, Hip, Hooray for parents all over the world who take good care of their sick children.

...until next time

or click here to see what happened last time I blogged about sick kids.

A Date with The Dazs

I was introduced to a new term the other day.

It is called Self-Sabotage.

I had never heard that term before, but it sounded awful.  It sounded horrible.  Who would sabotage themselves or their relationships with others?

As I was thinking about it, I wondered if I engaged in self-sabotaging behaviors.

Even though I knew deep down inside that I sometimes do, 

I checked with my trusty friend Google to confirm my suspicions. 

And she/he let me know that self sabotage includes things like:

Addictions

Break the Law

Cheating on a Spouse

Drugs

Eating Disorders

Extreme Modesty

Not going to the Doctor when Sick

Overeating

Procrastination

Refusing to Exercise

Ruin an Personal Opportunity to better Oneself

Staying in Abusive Relationships

And many others.

I would venture to guess that self-sabotaging behaviors have something to do with shame. 

I realized that last week was not the best of weeks for me.

One morning I wandered around Costco just pushing the cart and admiring absolutely everything in the store.

Except for the electronics.

I even checked out the audiology booth as well as the glasses and contacts in the optometry department. 

I bought things that I would use, but didn't really need.  

I filled my shopping cart with water-softener pellets, cases of water, boxes of food, eggs, oatmeal, and even a rotisserie  chicken. 

I also added a box of Häagen-Dazs® icecream bars.

Vanilla Milk Chocolate was my nemesis.

I almost never buy sweets, and definitely in that great of quantity, but last week was the exception.

On Friday I was feeling especially low and decided to cheer myself up (aka avoid my feelings)

I decided to enjoy a Friday night date with the Haagen-Dazs bars.   

It was delicious

I didn't stop at one, two, or even three.

I bet I ate more than my recommended daily dose of calories in one sitting.

I was eating my feelings and they tasted smooth with a little bit of crunch.  

They were cold as they slipped into the back of my throat.

It was heaven, and hell all at the same time.

Shoving my sorrow deeper and deeper with each swallow.

Just so you know...

eating my sad feelings and anxieties didn't work and I felt awful.

"Why did this happen? How did you let yourself eat so many? That is so unhealthy."

The judgments flooded in.

(This is where the shame comes into play.)

I realize now how self-sabotaging eating my avoided feelings can be.

It doesn't fit with my personal values or goals.

Eating ice cream alone is fine, but I was using it to smother my anxiety of the final CERT class.

Last Saturday they were staging a mock-disaster with casualties filled with moulage. 

For those of you who do not know what moulage is click here.

Moulage kind of reminds me of this.

(photo courteous of SFC Robinson from my unit)

It was awful to think about preparing a fake mass casualty disaster.

My self started asking questions like,

What if you have a flashback when you are there?

What if you loose it and start crying uncontrollably?

What are people going to think of you?

Aren't you a strong person?

Come on this is just a simple class.

You can make it through a couple of hours practicing emergency medicine and extraction.

The more I listened to that "itty bitty, shitty committee" in my head, 

the more my memories flooded, and the more I ate.

It hurt to remember.

It hurt when the teacher asked me last week how many people had performed CPR on a real person.

It hurt when he called on me and asked me what my success rates were.

I croaked as I said zero.

And later I cried remembering the death and devastation that comes to individuals, families, and communities.

Note to self. 

"There is a reason you don't buy (or eat) a Costco size boxes of Haagen- Dazs! No matter how crappy you feel!"

Waiting

Is is spring time yet?  

Who knows what to do with all of this snow?

Hats and scarves are fun accessories, but I'm hoping for days when I'm not wearing long johns under my pants.

Speaking of pants,

When skinny jeans first came into fashion (again); I thought to myself, "Why would anybody wear those ugly peg-leg pants?"

However, 

Living in Utah has seriously changed my perspective.

Skinny Jeans are marvelous if you want to wear boots.

And when it snows a lot, you end up wearing a lot of boots.

Praise to convenience of the "peg-leg pants".

On Kindness

This morning while I was in the shower I was listening to "The Mormon Channel"

I listened to a talk given by Joseph B.Wirthlin in April 2005.  

It reminded me of what I wrote yesterday.

You can enjoy it by clicking here.

Dreams, Shattered Beliefs

I would have to say that I had a pretty idealistic childhood.

I grew up in "Mormonville Utah."

Which basically means the suburbs of Salt Lake City, filled with good Christian people who believed the same kinds of things I do.

I was raised in a family that taught values that I cherished.

When I was thinking about joining the Army I was drawn in by the core values.

Check them out by clicking here.

They spoke of 

Loyalty,

Duty, 

Respect,

Selfless Service,

Honor,

Integrity,

and Personal Courage.

They fell right in line with things that I already believed.

I memorized those words up and down and could recite any definition in basic training.

I was once asked by my Command Sergeant Major which one was my favorite.

Integrity!

"Because where you have integrity, the other values will follow." I

However....

I found the military not so stringent at adhering to those values.

There were people that I respected, but they were few and far between.

The lines of black and white got mixed into a muddled mess of I-don't-know-whats.

I know that everyone has individual experiences, and I acknowledge that mine are mine, and other military members might not have had the same experiences.

My hope in humanity shattered as I witnessed the atrocities of war and watched as my dreams began to unravel as my marriage to my children's father turned controlling and abusive.

I have struggled to connect, because I believed the world was one way. (Good)

But then all I saw was another.  I labeled it (Bad).

I watched families fall apart, people die, watch my sisters in arms being treated less than human and simply as sex objects to be used, abused and manipulated by the men.

It was awful.

I witnessed war and how extreme amounts of distress can bring out the worst in some people.

I lost trust, I lost faith, and I lost hope as I returned to civilian life.

I have had many hard nights.

Sometimes when people find out I was in the Army they ask me what it was like to go to war.

Sometimes I jokingly reply, "Let me tell you in the morning.  I relive it every night in my dreams."

It usually deflects any further probing and painful questions.

It has been hard trying to come to terms with humanity as I have discovered more about the history of the world.  

Mankind does not have such a great track record.

Whoever has the bigger stick will oppress and take advantage of people who are poor.

Money rules all. 

and

Women are traded as commodities in the market as opposed to human beings.

So what keeps me going?

I have to fight to look for the good.

I want to know kindness.

My first experience at finding the good an looking for kindness came in a most unexpected way.

I learned it from the men in my first PTSD support group.

They are men that I have come to love and respect because of their goodness.

There are three that will always have a special place in my heart.

(You know who you are Rick, Jake, & Tarl!)

I also find home in humanity when:

 I see someone hand a monetary note out the window to the person standing by the side of the freeway freezing in the snow.

As I watch a new mother nurse her baby.

When I see strong women fight to tell their stories.

When I see people act selflessly towards the ones they love, or the ones they don't even know.

When I attended a Narcotics Anonymous meeting with a friend and watched as people wanted support as they tried to combat the effects of addiction.

When I see people sacrifice of their time and talents to hold church callings.

When I watch children sleep in their innocence.

When a neighbor takes me to lunch and we become friends.

When I ponder the majesty of God.

These are the things that keep me going.

Wanting to be kind.

Witnessing kindness.

It is easy to find the negative.  It is all around.

It is hard for me to find the Hope.

And last week I was renewed by a small act of kindness.

Someone left this in my door about a week ago.

I do not know where it came from, but I do have my suspicions.

It was a simple gift that reminded me that there is still good in the world.

It came with a story

"Legend of the dream catcher Native Americans of the Great Plains believe the air is filled with both good and bad dreams.

According to the legend, the good dreams past-due the centerfold to the sleeping person. The bad dreams are trapped in the web, where they perish in the light of dawn.

Historically dream catchers were hung in the tipi or lodge and on a babies cradle board."

The love that came with this gift will probably work better than the web.

Thank you for reminding me that there is still good in the world.  

I have faith in humanity because I can still see the goodness in others.

Running

From my journal 2003.

"As the Sun peaks up from the top of the mountains

I feel the warmth

I have been running East

Catch the sun

That is my goal

Race until I reach the top

The highest peak

The place where I go to be alone

I run

It is my escape

Escape from the world

I am by myself

Free

Free for those few moments where it is only me

I run to the beat of my heart"

Moments I Will Miss

When I started looking for a place to live last summer, I never thought I would be lucky to find something so close to my Grandmother.

She is like the glue that holds the family together.  

She is kind, refined, special, charitable, and always has something to feed you if you show up.

She is the epitome of unconditional love. 

She and my mother made my childhood an adventure.

Moments with her were magical, filled with baked cookies, playing in the irrigation water, hiking up to her Grandfathers property in Big Cottonwood Canyon, summers at Bear Lake, Yellowstone, Jackson Wyoming, Cherry Hill, and winter visits to their RV park in Arizona, and Sunday dinners.

There were songs and stories of our pioneer ancestors who crossed the plains with faith in God in their hearts.

She is 86.

She was there for the birth of my second son.

My little "Bear" 

 When I was so lonely in AZ a year after my divorce she flew down to stay with me for a week. 

I was sad to think that they may not ever remember her.

Now I am thrilled that we live just one mile away from her.

We are so close that my children can walk to her house after school to get a cookie.  

I don't know how much longer we will have her, but I am blessed  to know that my children will know their maternal great grandmother.

Last night we spent the evening helping her crack walnuts.

After dinner she popped popcorn and the children watched Pinocchio on her living room floor.

She used to read story books to my little "Bug."

Now he reads them to her. 

I hope we get to keep her a long, long time.

She is loved.

She inspires the good in others.

"I love you Grandma!"

Patience

Does anybody drink Yogi tea? 

I think it's wonderful. Not only do I get flavorful cup of tea, but I also get a quote which usually pertains to my life. 

Today's quote says, "Patience gives the power to practice; practice gives the power that leads to perfection."

Lately I think that my children have been trying to make me perfect the art of patience.

Oh sweet sleep.

Thank you God!

(and my sister and her husband for helping me with the kids tonight.)

How Did He Do It?

When I was small my dad used to take me and my older brother skiing. We had so much fun over the years.   My summers were filled with excitement as I saved my allowance for winter skiing money.

Eventually my California cousins would plan a trip each winter and we would ski at Solitude.  

My Mom always stayed home and we had such great adventures with Dad.

I didn't have formal lessons until I was in junior high, but we managed just fine.

It was fun.

And oh boy! My dad must have had patience.

So when I received an email from Wounded Warrior Project for a family ski day at Park City Mountain Resort, I jumped at the chance to share the winter mountain experience with my boys. 

 Little did I know how stressful it would be...

I enjoyed a private lesson in the morning, and the kids picked up some basics from a separate instructor.

Many thanks to the people at the National Ability Center in Park City who donated their talents and shared  their time and skills with us on the mountain. The view was beautiful and the air was crisp.

I met up with the kid around lunch time. 

After eating our sandwiches in the car we headed back to the slopes and let the real fun begin.

Cough, cough, ahem.

Do you realize how hard it is to keep track of two speed racers on the mountain mixed in with lots of people?  Talk about anxiety!  One fell near the top of the run, the other raced to the bottom.  I was somewhere in between wondering if I should hike up or ski down.

It's a nightmare, and absolute nightmare!

By the end they were tired and grumpy and complaining that I wasn't in the right spot to take a video.

"Seriously guys, we are supposed to be having fun here."

As I left the mountain I was grateful for the ski instructor who somehow managed them in the morning, and I vowed never to go skiing by myself with two little boys.

Which is why I ask.

How did he do it?

How did he do it by himself?

Maybe because we went with friends...

Maybe he is just that good....

I don't know.

How did he have the patience to teach us, keep track of us, and keep us warm, happy, and fed at the same time?

Mind boggling.  

I was ready to string my kids up by their toenails by the end of the day.

When they woke up this morning the first thing they said was, "Can we go skiing again today?"

(Grumble, Grumble)

Seriously?

Community Emergency Response Teams (CERT)

When I moved into my new home there were a few "treasures" left behind in the basement.

These treasures included a walker, crutches, a raised toilet seat, and the handrails you can attach to the back of a toilet.

Seeing as how I don't plan to be needing any of those things for at least another fifty years, I decided to ask around to see if anyone wanted them before donating them to the local thrift store.  

(My favorite is Savers because they give you a 20% off coupon if you give a donation.  These coupons have allowed me to purchase many fun things from the local stores. Books are my favorite.)

I contacted the Relief Society President from my local Ward to see if anybody from our local area might be in need of these items.  

The Bishops wife said that she would like to store them in the CERT Cache in case of an emergency.

After that she told me that she thought I would be an excellent person to become CERT certified.

As I looked around the ward and saw that a great majority the congregation is nearing the ending quarter of their lives. 

I thought that maybe in the event of a disaster they might need me.

After all, I have been to war. 

I have lived through many disasters.

...and I have many hours of emergency medical training and experience.

I know how to swing an ax, fill a sand bag, and organize people in to groups and teams.  

The only problem is that after getting out of the military I swore off any trauma medicine.

The events of the war completely ripped my heart from my chest and I haven't done anything in the medical profession since getting out of the army.

I agreed to this CERT training, because I knew it would force me to stretch just outside of my comfort zone.  

On Friday night I dropped my kids off with my parents for a sleepover party. When I got home I was feeling super anxious about the training and wanted to back out.  

....but I had given my word....

I said I would be there.

And come Hell, high water, or PTSD, I was going to go!

I called 1-877-WAR-VETS to talk to a fellow combat veteran for encouragement.

(He encouraged sleep)

With anxiety in my heart and fear of the unknown, I showed up for the training.  

After-all, if my 88 year old grandfather (who also happens to be a WWII Vet) is trained then I may as well pull up my boot straps and lend my skills to the community in the event of a disaster.

Was it uncomfortable?

Yes.

Did it trigger my memories?

Yes.

Did I want to go home and crawl in bed with my memories?

Yes.

Did I have nightmares the night after?

Yes.

...But the main question is WAS IT WORTH IT?

Yes.

Because I learned that I can do things that are hard for me.

Anxiety isn't going to kill me.  Neither are my dreams.

I actually made a friend.

And I remembered that this is what I know.  

I know how to act under stress.  I have lived disaster, and I have skills and perspective that others may not.

I may be a very valuable asset to my community.

...and best of all I still have caring in my heart for other people.

Tonight I went to my Grandparents house to show my Grandpa my CERT gear.

We proudly donned it and posed for a picture.

I hope my children learn by example to give of their time and their talents to help others.