Dream Land....or should I say Nightmares!

It's almost hard to believe, and yes, that is a body bag.

Have you ever stayed up so late at night just for the intent to avoid your dreams? I have. Tonight, August 15th 2009…..(oh wait it’s already Sunday morning) is just one of those days. I’m exhausted, I’m tired and I want to rest my body, but I am terrified of the memories that seem to haunt me as I sleep. It’s never how it happened in real life, but the emotions are often the same. One time I dreamt that my grandfather was in the army and part of the Iraq war….that’s not the case. My grandfather was in the navy, and he served during WWII.
I also had another dream about branding cattle. This was a family tradition when I was growing up, only in my dream we were in Idaho at my Uncle Lee’s and Aunt Marianne’s house. (only, it wasn’t really their house)
I was paralyzed by the thought of singed flesh and charred hair. It’s a smell that you can taste in your mouth and with that smell comes the memories of death and dying for me. In my dream I ran to the house to avoid the smell, but I could already taste it in my mouth. Oh how I hate that smell. The words seem to flow in my mind, yet when I try to type them out I feel stuck. Family and war dreams sometimes become intertwined. It’s so confusing that sometimes I’m scared to fall asleep.
I’m tired. Why can’t I just go to sleep? Why do my dreams have to remind me of the horrible awful things I have experienced?
I hate it when people look at me and think I’m fine. Just because I may look fine on the outside, does not mean I am fine on the inside. I usually am suffering on the inside. Sometimes I wish that I had lost a limb over there, and then maybe people would take me seriously, but the awful thing is I am suffering so bad from the crippling effects of PTSD, and I look fine, no matter of fact, I look great on the outside. Won’t you see the pain behind the smile? The smile is a mask, it’s the beautiful mask that everyone in my family wears to cover the pain hiding behind the beautiful big smiles.
I suffer.
I do.
I really really do.
Some people ask how does PTSD affect my life? Pretty much every way possible. Today has been an awful day. I am hurting and depressed. A year ago Stephanie and Christian Nielson were burned in a plane crash. They had been so wonderful to me and I was so devastated by their accident. When I heard that Stephanie had been burned over 80 percent of her body I cringed, because I know what that looks like. I know what it’s like to see that up close and personal, and I also know that all of the people I saw burned like that died….all of them. My life started to become increasingly difficult as the Neilson’s plane crash. It ignited the flames of my memories, and with that came the worsening of my ptsd symptoms. This last year has been so hard.
I thought it was hard being married to Josh and going through an awful divorce, but no, this last year has been so hard.
Please help me. I’m tired, I want to rest. I don’t want to be reminded of you as I dream! Give me peace, give my mind clarity and my heart hope for a better future. I want to feel good inside, right now I’m just exhausted…..
Sunday Night almost midnight again.
And sleep came………

It's almost hard to believe, and yes, that is a body bag.