P.S.

There are beautiful sunsets in Arizona.

This one was taken from the view of my airplane window the night I flew in.

...I lost it at the airport you know

well maybe you don't know,

but I did.

I hate going through security.

I almost always get selected for the full body pat down.

It's like I have a sticker on my forehead saying, 

"Choose me, choose me!"

...and when I flew to Phoenix it was no different.

They chose me.

I cried my way through the entire pat-down

I cried as I made my complaint to TSA,

I cried as I walked to my gate,

I cried as I called my mom to tell her about my anxiety,

I cried as I sat down between two large men on my Southwest (no reserve seating) flight.

I thought about how my makeup was probably dripping down my face and how foolish I felt.

But...

I was reminded

that even though sometimes I think I'm going to die,

PTSD hasn't killed me yet :)

A Week of Rituals

I had a wonderful time visiting Arizona.  The Merritt Center was great.  I met with other beautiful women who are veterans, and we connected on so many levels. 

I also got to visit with friends and family (not everyone :( I missed some)

Some parts were hard...

and others were super hard.

...but the rituals of the week made it all worth it.

I find healing in the rituals, and while I was in Arizona I put the memory of

my dear Sethie in a safe place.

Seth and I got married exactly one year ago today.

Nothing like marriage and St. Patty's Day all in the same shot :)

I was so in love and Seth and I had made some wonderful memories together.

My boys loved him.

My parents loved him.

My friends had met him and approved.

I had taken him to meet my therapist and my psychiatrist.

We had so much fun, and we had dated almost a year before we got married.

I thought it was perfect.

A dream come true.

 

We got married.

We threw a killer party to celebrate with friends and family,

complete with dinner, 

Drinks,

and plenty of fun for our guests.

The only problem was...it was short lived. 

In three short months I realized that I was not in a healthy marriage.

My husband had spent all of my money,

made it so I wasn't able to close on the house I had been building, 

and then disappeared for 5 days.

He tried to walk to Mexico in nothing but a pair of flip flops, jeans and a T-Shirt.

Something about thinking he was God, and Jesus Christ.

I know right?

You may think con-artist,

but I really think that he was mentally unstable.

Perhaps bi-polar and in a state of mania.

I left him and moved to Utah

...I had a rough road.  I Cried a lot.

I never really felt like we had closure. 

No communication,

No apology,

No nothing,

....Then three months ago I heard that he had gone missing again. 

I was sad to think of how hard this has all been on his mother.

I know that his family has been hurting, and I still care for them deeply.

I worried and wondered where he might be the then...

  I decided to honor Seth, and to place my memory of him somewhere safe.

I do not need to cary him with me anymore.

I found the perfect spot.

 I walked the path of the labyrinth while I was visiting The Merritt Center in Payson, Arizona.

In my hand I carried an object that used to belong to Seth.

I wanted it to represent my memory of him.

I honored him and thanked him for the things that I had learned since knowing him. 

I placed his silver dollar in the center of the labyrinth.

I know my memory will be safe there. 

I may not know where he is,

but I feel that he can rest peacefully in the forest.

I may never know where he is, or what has happened to him, but I feel that he can rest peacefully in the forest under the watchful eye of Betty. 

...I have found peace in the ritual of letting his memory rest somewhere safe...

Just like my Rock!