Happy New Year

Don't they know what fireworks do to me??? Why are celebrations so hard?

Happy Triggering!

Errr... what I mean is

Happy New Year!

I was singing this cadence to myself the night before we invaded Iraq as I watched the flashes

of light dart across the sky.  It was almost like shooting stars flying overhead.  Hmmmm......

I wonder what I shall dream of tonight.....?

The Sound of Artillery Cadence

Caller: What’s the sound of artillery? Group: BOOM BOOM!! Caller: What’s the sound of artillery? Group: BOOM BOOM!! Caller: Shoot move and communicate Group: BOOM BOOM!! Caller: Shoot move and communicate Group: BOOM BOOM!! Caller: Raining down on the enemy Group: BOOM BOOM!! Caller: Raining down on the enemy Group: BOOM BOOM!!

Sometimes it hurts.

 

So I went to the cemetery to mourn.

 

 

 



Life is an Adventure.

Life gets to be life,

and my blog gets neglected :(

I have always written about Birthdays, but the last two haven't made it.

 

I'll start trying to blog again. 

 

I know my readers like it.

It's easier to write when I feel like I am making a difference.

 

I am traveling right now. 

I am in Denver waiting for a flight out to Connecticut.

Tomorrow I will be meeting other women veterans for some out door adventure.

Right now I'm going to crash into the King sized bed that is waiting to be jumped on, and then slept in.

 

Good Reads

When I was deployed to Kuwait, I took a book on CD with me.  MP3 players weren't popular yet, and I was worried about scratching up my CD's with all of that sand, but Talmage came through with his book "Jesus the Christ."

I remember walking around on guard duty a few days or maybe a week before the invasion of Iraq.  I was listening to the eloquent words through my headpnones.  And I heard one of the most profound statements on Prayer that I have ever heard or read. 

I've picked up the book recently and last night I made it to the same chapter.

I'll share my favorite part now.

"It is well to know that prayer is not compounded of words, words that may fail to express what one desires to say, words that so often cloak inconsistenceis, words that may have no deeper source that the physical organs of speech, words that may be spoken to impress mortal ears.  The dumb may pray, and that too with the eloquence that prevails in heaven.  Prayer is made up of heart throbs and the righteous yearnings of the soul, of supplication based on the realization of need, of contrition and pure desire."

It is just as beautiful today as it was nine years ago.

Bodily Functions

A couple weeks ago I was talking with another one of my friends who has PTSD.  

We have both lived with family, and we were discussing what it is like to have PTSD and be around other people, weather it be family or friends....or even just the public at large. 

And you know what came to my mind?

Now brace yourself because I thought it was the perfect way to describe it.    

It's kind of like having diarrhea.  

You're wearing tight white pants and you're around all of these people who you feel like they are looking at you....judging you.

You feel the rumble in your guts and you know there is no where to turn or run.

You're doing your best to let you're good side show so that they don't see your PTSD freak out.

When all of a sudden...

You've got to sneeze!

Road Trip (Oklahoma City)

I was nervous about going to Oklahoma City.

Jamie lives in Oklahoma City.

I love Jamie,

but I hadn't spoken to Jamie for a long time.

Jamie and I were in the same Army Unit. 

We deployed to Kuwait together.

We ran a 5 man medical team at Camp New Jersey out in the desert of Kuwait.

We slept in close quarters, showered together, ate together, cried together, treated patients together, she flew to Utah and came to my first wedding.

We were bonded by something big.

We all were....

Even if we couldn't stand each other.

(Ambulance Platoon 546 ASMC,2003)

I got out of the Army in 2005 and went to the VA hospital in Phoenix for an evaluation.

I was 5 months pregnant.

The examining doctor asked me about nightmares, hyper-arousal, and various other things that pertain to PTSD.

I thought he was crazy.

He thought I had PTSD,

 and sent me over to see Psychiatrist who confirmed his suspicions.

They wanted to put me on medication.

I thought they were wrong. 

In fact I new they were wrong! 

I was pregnant, and I refused.

I was mad.

I couldn't have PTSD.

I new I was depressed, but who wouldn't be with so many life-altering changes.

I had been to war, gotten married, taken on a 4 year old stepson, got out of the army, moved to a new state....

It was all so new.

But PTSD?

No Way.

There was so much shame and guilt tied with that type of diagnosis.

In the military Mental Health issues meant you were weak.

It meant you were a wuss.

It meant you had no courage.

It meant you couldn't handle war. 

It meant a whole lot of things, and none of those things were positive.

It meant there was something wrong with me.

And there couldn't be something wrong with me!

I couldn't let there be something wrong with me!

I was a strong woman.

There was no way I could have PTSD

I justified and bargained and got mad.

But the nightmares got worse.

Driving got worse.

Anything medical or health care related became unbearable.

My patience started slipping as my irritability was increasing.

Flashbacks were more common.

I wasn't able to connect with "civilian people"

My relationship with my extended family was strained.

Life had been challenging, but now it was so hard.

No!

This couldn't be happening.

I put on a fake smile like everything was fine,

but inside everything was crumbling.

My marriage turned abusive,

My life felt out of control.

I was miserable.

I lost touch with friends and pulled away from family.

I was ashamed.

I wore a mask, I put on a happy face, and from the outside looking in other people couldn't tell that anything was wrong. 

I got good at faking it.

But faking it only lasts so long.

Ask any Vietnam Vet what happens when you retire.

I stayed in touch with Jamie for a couple of years.

She was so helpful when I went through my divorce.

She always had advice to offer, or different things to try.

She was a single mom when she was in the army.

She helped me out a lot.

I filed a claim with the VA for PTSD, but they needed someone from my unit to substantiate it.

Out of pure desperation I emailed Jamie.

She was the only one I could think of admitting that I had a mental health disorder,

I didn't want her to know I had PTSD,

But I knew I needed her help,

and I new she would be there for me.

And she was.

I dropped off the face of the planet so-to-speak for a couple of years.

I never joined facebook,

I didn't want anyone from the past to know how my life had been affected by the war.

But four years later,

(and a lot of therapy later)

I want to re-connect with people.

I was totally anxious to go to Oklahoma,

But I was so glad I did.

True friends are always there for you.

Road Trip (Chickasaw NRA)

After spending time with my sister in Texas, the original plan was to drive to Louisiana to visit a family that I lived with when I was in the Army.

They ended up having a baby come premature so we decided to drive to Oklahoma to visit another friend from the Army. 

On the way to Oklahoma City we stopped at the

Chickasaw National Recreation Area

I had no idea what to expect,

but what we found was a great adventure. 

We walked some of the nature trails and found people playing in the swimming holes.

At one of these spots I saw something that I love!

I love it when I see pregnant women, or women who don't have the "perfect figure" wearing Bikini's.

I have heard so many people make disgusting remarks about the "Fat Girl in the Bikini."

but,

I love it!

I absolutely love it.

Now don't get me wrong...I'm a modest girl

and I appreciate modesty.

But this bathing suit issue has nothing to do with modesty.

It has everything to do with self-confidence,

and being OK in your body.

I have struggled with body image issues and feeling ugly and not OK with my shape...and mine is pretty descent.

But, not even when I was in the best shape of my life would I have ever considered wearing something that showed so much skin.

I always wished for that kind of confidence and self acceptance, but it was never there.

Then, in 2009 I was at the beach with my sister after I finished my Bike Ride

(you can browse through it if you click here)

It was there at the beach I saw an extremely white, extremely pregnant, and full of stretchmarks woman wearing a red polka dotted string bikini.

It was so shocking to me, because I had never seen something like that,

nor had I ever dreamed of wearing something like that while being pregnant.

And I appreciated her confidence.

I loved the way she owned the beach and didn't mind the stares and snickers.

I loved it.

So when the boy's asked to go swimming in the swimming hole,

I decided that I would put on my scandalous bathing suit.

I've still got a ways to go before I would feel confident wearing the bikini,

and I might not ever becuase I like to be modest

But I made a step towards self acceptance.

Someday I hope to feel as good about my self image as the girl at the Chickasaw NRA!

Road Trip (Leaving Texas)

It was time to head home.

We decided to drive to Oklahoma.

I got a message on Facebook from a childhood friend saying that she lived in Dallas.

So, we did a spur of the moment stop for lunch.

It was nice to see Nancy.

I haven't kept in contact with anyone from High School.

I was ready to leave and I left that part behind.

For years I didn't want anyone to find me or contact me.

I was ashamed of how my life had turned out.

I had PTSD and for a long time that was very devastating.

I had been divorced.

My life just hadn't turned out like I thought.

...but sitting there with Nancy was kind of cool.

I was able to tell her about my life and what I've been doing for the past 12 years.

I gave a brief description of my life, my military service, my ptsd, my failed marriages, and my plans for the future.

It was healing to be able to say my life story and feel OK saying it.

Road Trip (San Antonio Kiddie Park)

More pictures of our fun in San Antonio.

 I think I'm going to be sick.

....and still having fun :)

Road Trip (San Antonio Zoo Train)

Road Trip (Do Not Feed the Animals)

Who knew that there could be an African Safari in Texas?

Grandma and Grandpa took all of us to see

Natural Bridge Wildlife Ranch

The lady at the front ticket booth clearly told us to drop the food by the side of the car and not to feed the animals from our hands.

Did the kids forget?

Of course.

It's fun to be with family.

After the war and after my first divorce...my relationship with my family was rocky.

(to say the least)

They didn't understand PTSD and neither did I.

I was angry and hurt.

They didn't know how to help.  

The harder they tried the worse it got.

It was awful.

I thought it would never get better.

But these pictures are living proof that it did.

Maybe I'll write more about that at a later time because relationships and support are so vital in healing from PTSD.