I was introduced to a new term the other day.
It is called Self-Sabotage.
I had never heard that term before, but it sounded awful. It sounded horrible. Who would sabotage themselves or their relationships with others?
As I was thinking about it, I wondered if I engaged in self-sabotaging behaviors.
Even though I knew deep down inside that I sometimes do,
I checked with my trusty friend Google to confirm my suspicions.
And she/he let me know that self sabotage includes things like:
Addictions
Break the Law
Cheating on a Spouse
Drugs
Eating Disorders
Extreme Modesty
Not going to the Doctor when Sick
Overeating
Procrastination
Refusing to Exercise
Ruin an Personal Opportunity to better Oneself
Staying in Abusive Relationships
And many others.
I would venture to guess that self-sabotaging behaviors have something to do with shame.
I realized that last week was not the best of weeks for me.
One morning I wandered around Costco just pushing the cart and admiring absolutely everything in the store.
Except for the electronics.
I even checked out the audiology booth as well as the glasses and contacts in the optometry department.
I bought things that I would use, but didn't really need.
I filled my shopping cart with water-softener pellets, cases of water, boxes of food, eggs, oatmeal, and even a rotisserie chicken.
I also added a box of Häagen-Dazs® icecream bars.
Vanilla Milk Chocolate was my nemesis.
I almost never buy sweets, and definitely in that great of quantity, but last week was the exception.
On Friday I was feeling especially low and decided to cheer myself up (aka avoid my feelings)
I decided to enjoy a Friday night date with the Haagen-Dazs bars.
It was delicious
I didn't stop at one, two, or even three.
I bet I ate more than my recommended daily dose of calories in one sitting.
I was eating my feelings and they tasted smooth with a little bit of crunch.
They were cold as they slipped into the back of my throat.
It was heaven, and hell all at the same time.
Shoving my sorrow deeper and deeper with each swallow.
Just so you know...
eating my sad feelings and anxieties didn't work and I felt awful.
"Why did this happen? How did you let yourself eat so many? That is so unhealthy."
The judgments flooded in.
(This is where the shame comes into play.)
I realize now how self-sabotaging eating my avoided feelings can be.
It doesn't fit with my personal values or goals.
Eating ice cream alone is fine, but I was using it to smother my anxiety of the final CERT class.
Last Saturday they were staging a mock-disaster with casualties filled with moulage.
For those of you who do not know what moulage is click here.
Moulage kind of reminds me of this.
(photo courteous of SFC Robinson from my unit)
It was awful to think about preparing a fake mass casualty disaster.
My self started asking questions like,
What if you have a flashback when you are there?
What if you loose it and start crying uncontrollably?
What are people going to think of you?
Aren't you a strong person?
Come on this is just a simple class.
You can make it through a couple of hours practicing emergency medicine and extraction.
The more I listened to that "itty bitty, shitty committee" in my head,
the more my memories flooded, and the more I ate.
It hurt to remember.
It hurt when the teacher asked me last week how many people had performed CPR on a real person.
It hurt when he called on me and asked me what my success rates were.
I croaked as I said zero.
And later I cried remembering the death and devastation that comes to individuals, families, and communities.
Note to self.
"There is a reason you don't buy (or eat) a Costco size boxes of Haagen- Dazs! No matter how crappy you feel!"
