Home

While my kids have been with their dad this weekend, I have been working on making our house(apartment) a homey touch. The curtains have been hung, the laundry is done, and everything has a place. I love order and cleanliness. It's hard with kids and depression. I even painted my toes. I love it!

Comfort

Two hours later, and I feel better.

Life Isn't Fair

I'm tired,
My heart is hurting, and I feel like I don't fit in.

I feel especially sad tonight listening to my children call their dad's new wife mom, and me by my first name. My first name is Kimberly and I love it. I think it's a beautiful name, but from my children I want to hear mommy, not Kimberly. I am their mother. I know they are small and don't know the difference, and usually it doesn't bother me, but tonight it stung.

maybe..

Because I'm emotionally exhausted,

I'm lonely,

I miss my family,

I'm tired of parenting alone,

I'm tired of crying into a pillow with no shoulder to cry on.

I'm tired of putting on a happy face.

I'm tired of feeling like I don't fit in.

I don't want to feel depressed.

I don't want to jump at loud noises.

I don't want to panic when I hear the sound of a helicopter.

I don't want this.

This is what PTSD feels like to me.

As I sleep at night I may be reminded of blood, fear, pain, and suffering, but in my heart of hearts I dream of....

Magestic mountains, A peaceful old farmhouse with a big back porch. A chicken coop where I take the little ones every morning to discover natures art of egg laying. A huge comfy chair for reading. A tree with a tree house and tire swing. The smell of the wholegrain waffles with fresh strawberries and whipped cream that I make everymorning for breakfast. A small stream with a little bridge. Tadpoles and fish, butterflies and lightning bugs. I want to see these things in a jar on my kitchen table. Enough room for guests, and yet cozy enough to be close and snug. I dream of a sky so clear that it draws us to nightly stargazing and eternal pondering. Enough land for children to embrace a childhood filled with discovery. A porch swing to chat with friends and have moral discussions with my children. Enough pets to teach responsibility, enough laughter to drown away our sorrows, and enough love to last a life time. That's what I dream of. A place of peace, a space of love, My little slice of heaven on earth.

Cry

Lonely

PTSD is lonely.

Overcoming Fear

Earlier this week a girlfriend of mine invited me to go to Sedona with a group of her family on Thursday I LOVE Sedona, and the thought of taking my kids to slide rock sounded awesome. But as the week progressed I began feeling more and more hesitant about going. I told myself that it would just be too hard with two little ones, but after doing some digging into my ptsd symptoms I really found out that I was avoiding the whole idea.

(avoidance is a major contributor to ptsd) just so you know.

So I decided to ask why?

and I answered myself because it's not safe and it will be too hard.

What's not safe?

Being around all those people.

Really why not?

Because I'm uncomfortable, and what if I can't easily leave if I start to panic.

So what?

uhhh....because I feel safer when I am in comfortable surroundings.

Of course you do.

The conversation went on and on until I realized that I was avoiding something that I knew deep down could be fun. Still not wanting to go, I committed to my friend and my kids that we would be going.

I could argue all day with reasons why my ptsdfriend didn't want to go. (driving is stressful, what if something happens, what if the kids get away, what if something happens in the canyon or someone gets hurt, what if there is a rock slide and on and on and on.)

So I Went.

With anxiety in my heart and determination in my head, I was going to beat it.

And you know what??? It was stressful. I was right. The drive was stressful, being around the crowds of people was stressful, and even watching the kids venture into the water was stressful.

But guess what? I made it, and I even had a pretty good time after a few hours to get settled in. It was fun to see the boys venture off and play in the water. Bug really liked going down the natural water slides. Bear did lots of hiking in and around the water. I even did a little cliff jumping. (I even took both boys off of a ten footer). I was feeling adventurous and climbed over to the high cliffs and jumped off of a 35 foot cliff. I didn't stand and hesitate, I waited for some people to move, and then off I lept. It was a rush and it was totally fun. I haven't done something like that in a Long time. After that jump I felt much better and really enjoyed myself.
.
.
.
.
.
because I wasn't afraid.

All that piddly stuff I was afraid of wasn't even real fear. Jumping off of a 35 foot cliff into snow melt river water should give some cause for fear. Not a fun afternoon with family and friends!
And so, something switched for me. (and I'm grateful)

I enjoyed myself.

and part of me healed.

To anyone who may be reading, "Good luck on your Journey!"

Puzzling Questions of my Childhood

As a young girl growing up I didn't understand the term Hero. At the beginning of the school year there would often be questions like Who is your favorite sports star, what are your hobbies, what is your favorite song, and who is your hero?

I was often puzzled by the term Hero. What is a hero? The typical answers were the fireman, rescue team, and others who have saved another's life. I always left my space blank, because I didn't have a particular Hero.

As I ponder my thoughts on heroism I have come to the following impressions, and have come to the conclusion that I know many Hero's.

A hero is:

The home or visiting teacher who persists in their contact.

It's the infantry soldier who reaches out to a support group and gives a voice to his demons and realizes that he is not alone.

It's the mother who selflessly caries a child in her womb giving constant nourishment to a growing life.

It's the one person that answers the phone when you really need a talk, or who opens the door and gives you a shoulder to cry on.

It's the lonely soul that cries to God with the faith that He will answer.

It's the mother who leaves an abusive marriage in order to give her children hope of a future free of violence and control.

It's the callused Vietnam vet who holds his new grand baby despite the memories that flood his mind as the child begins to cry.

It's the person that doesn't say, "I understand what you're feeling." It's the person who acknowledges that you are hurting.

It's the leader who shows the moral courage to stand up for what is right.

It's the person who looks for a human connection when they are suffering, not a drug, porn, alcohol, cutting or other destructive behavior to dull the emotions.

It's the woman who drops everything and drives across the country in search of purple and yellow pansies to fulfill a dream that she has had.

It's the addict who makes a commitment to work a program. (Even if it is their 17th time starting a 12 step cycle)

It's the servicewoman who acknowledges how difficult it is to be a woman in the military.

It is any person who is able to change when the odds feel completely impossible.

It's the one who prays in faith for a miracle.

It's my Mother.

My Grandmother,

And my Great Grandmother who taught me by example how to love, how to serve, and how to sacrifice.



And above all my Savior Jesus Christ who has shown me the way.

How do they do it?

I am totally amazed by these people who can write a blog post EVERY day.

It feels like forever since I've written anything.

Updates:
The kids father is moving back to GA in 6 weeks
I might be able to move closer to my family :)
Little Bear has pink eye (probably from the pool) Yuck!
I found a really great site for service dogs that help with PTSD
I have gone to the singles ward a couple times
Got a personalized license plate to raise awareness of PTSD
That's about all I can think of for now.

Oh, wait....

So this morning I didn't want to take Bear to the Dr's office for pink eye.

So I googled natural home remedies for pink eye.

I found THIS

I figured I would try a couple things out.

I didn't have any fennel seeds, chamomile flowers, turmeric, or boric acid.

but I did find a few items.

I went out side and broke off a small piece of an aloe plant.

Have you ever smelled that stuff?

It's like bitter B.O. and there was no way I was using that on my kid, so I tossed it in the trash.

I decided to go for the potato method, honey, and baking soda.

So I washed little Bear's eyes with the baking soda and water solution,

Then I applied potato slices to his eyes, (we did not wait the suggested 20 minutes)

and then for the honey.

I gooped up my finger with some of deseret's finest cannery honey

and ran my finger across his left eye followed by the right.

Bad idea...

"Ah!!!! Mom I have Fire eyes!!!"

uh oh

Fire eyes is not a good thing.

So we blinked and wiped the goo away.

Later in the morning I decided to wipe some honey in my eyes so I knew what it felt like.

Bear was right. It totally gave me "Fire Eyes", but went away quickly with a little blinking.

needless to say...we made it to the doctor this afternoon. Enough home remedies for today.

I hope to write more soon, but by the end of the day...
I feel like this.