Oh, and before I forget.

It has been 9 years since I enlisted in the Army

(it was a Friday the 13th)

I didn't ship out to Basic Training until September 6, 2001,

But I signed my contract on July 13th :)

oh the memories....

and Mom,

I know it's been hard....but I've learned a lot.

A week in Paradise

What could be better than a road trip?

That ends with a Jetski ride...
A hike through the red rock

Some floating rubber,

and clear water?

and the way that water feels

as you eat it going 40 mph

(nothing like a fresh water enema to get your day started!)

A cute new Bathing suit,

Haircut,

Not to mention two happy kids.

who love to discover new adventures.

and eat delicious things

mmmm

Extended family who loves me,

and tells me that they see some of the old me.

(oh wait that's not it)

To crash and burn and get back up again.

little boys

who fly

like super hero's

A dive off of a rock

perfect

a sunset to die for

surrounded by the glories of God's nature!

I just spend a week that was virtually ptsd symptom FREE!

(everyone needs a vacation)

Compassion

yeah, so I grabbed an audio book from the library on Tuesday, It is called the five people you meet in heaven. If you have ptsd I do not suggest reading this book. The message of the book was spectacular, but the war stuff brought back too many bad memories. This may have been due to the added musical effects from listening to it on CD. All in all, I wish the author all the best, but wouldn't suggest this particular book to people in the beginning stages of ptsd recovery(survival).

There is a part in the book where the main character uses a stone to wash the burned skin of a small girl, who was a casualty of war. (the setting takes place in heaven) It was graphic, and I didn't want to listen, but at the same time I didn't want to turn it off. I wanted a happy ending even thought it was so hard for me to get there. Some of my war trauma is related to people who had been badly burned. I thought of people I encountered who died from their burns and how I think it would be healing to symbolically cleaning their charred flesh until it shown like new.

For a long time I wished that there was something I could do for those who crossed my path who suffered and died in pain. I wish so badly that I could somehow do something for those people.

My memories of burns was re ignited a few years ago when a friend of mine was terribly burned in an airplane crash. Her tragedy opened a door to my memories that I thought was only there if I wanted it to be there. My heart plummeted when I heard that she had been burned over 80% of her body. My mind thought, "oh, my goodness, I totally know what that looks like." I felt light headed, and like I couldn't breath. In a waterfall full of past emotions I felt as though I was somehow drowning in the sorrows of war. I was angry. And underneath anger was sorrow, and under sorrow was fear, helplessness and a host of other emotions.

She survived.

and is still healing.

She writes an awesome blog called the NieNie Dialogues. It has been so wonderful to watch her heal. I wish her all the love in the world. Her story has been amazing.



For any of the the patients who died....
I know that you are gone, but I want you to know that I cared.
I may not have been able to do anything, but your presence left a memory in my heart. And I hope you have....

~Peace

Donations of the Heart

Today I received a wonderful gift :) My heart feels happy because someone wonderful made me fry bread, watched my kids, and allowed me a free hour where I was able to socialize with some other women.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

To some, this act of kindness may seem small, but to me, it was everything! It was perfect, it was exactly what I needed. It meant so much I could cry tears of thanks. The perfect gift.

I feel like one of those tender Mormon Commercials , or a cheezy Hallmark card. I wish I new the best way to say thank you for what you did.

Sharing is Caring, and I care about YOU

Sometimes....
especially at the beginning of a diagnosis, it's hard to accept the acronym that someone has branded you with. "PTSD, MDD, OCD, HMI, HWV, MICA, ADHD" and a host of other letters. Sometimes that's a lot to take in.

All in all, the letters only mean something if they mean something to You. It's hard to be labeled by another person. Just like it was back in high school. The band geek, or the Jock, the cheerleader and the chess player. The drama club and the gangsta. The nerd and the prepster, the stoner, the lifer, the untouchable. Many of us have been labeled with something.

Just as a side note during part of High school I was a band nerd, but in my heart I was a popular cheerleader. Only I never tried out for the squad.

Sometimes it feels so hopeless when someone labels you. You want to yell out. "That's not me!" Sometimes people may look at you like you've done something wrong, and just keep praying and it will get better.

No
let me caps that
NO
Nope, not the case! No ifs ans or buts about it. The letters only mean something if you ascribe a negative thought to it.

The nice thing is, it's not like you are a slave to these letters. The diagnosing clinician did not pick up sentencing gavel and say, "OK, now hold out your forearm while we brand these letters into the flesh of your upper arm for the world to see. We will press extra hard to make sure they sere into your soul." (sarcastically)

Ptsd may suck, Let me take that back. PTSD does suck, and it may feel like you've been branded. The scars on your heart are real, make no mistake about that! But the invisible ones we have branded on our self esteems are just that. Invisible. They may show up in red or black, but in real life they don't exist.

They are adjectives! A word used to describe something. These letters do not make up a noun. YOU are a noun!

Love heals everything. If you don't believe me, hold a peacefully sleeping baby on your chest and just breath. Feel their heartbeat right next to yours. The love practically permeates your skin. Through whatever defenses you've put up. Smile and CRY dammit! Let somebody hug you. it's OK to cry.
It's OK to feel something. It's OK to be loved!
You deserve to be loved.

and you are...

sharing is caring and I care about YOU.

Grumpy Mommy

Two Hours later....

and it's not so cute.
pray for peace...i mean sleep.
What a night.

This night needs to be celebrated,
but not now. now I need to sleep.

Sleep

I've been surfing the web for the last little while

Just killing time before the kiddo's go to sleep.

It's almost eleven
Eleven PM
!!!

Why are they still awake at 11pm?

Riddle me this!

I gave them a Popsicle,

we called the grandparents,

we read stories,

we read scriptures

we prayed

I tucked them in

got the sippy cups,

Then..

They wanted to Snug

And me being the softy that I am said sure

come snug me in my bed.

after an hour of giggles and odd questions....

I decided it was bed time.

I closed the door to their room.

Now it is totally eleven, and I better go put and end to the endless energy.

It's kinda cute listening to Bug read a book to Bear

(even though he doesn't even know all the letters in the alphabet)

They are talking of eagles

power rangers

dinosaurs

They are clearly having a blast.

What did they eat over at dad's?

It must have been something good.

I'm ready for sleep.