Constitution Day!

Conflicting Emotions 

It was quite a wonderful day until the evening dinner event.

I don't usually do well with the presentation of the colors.

It hurts.

I could feel myself slipping...

Thank goodness there was a hand for me go grab a hold of.

Safety...

A hand that brought me back to the world of the living.

...Not the Dead

The Moments You Wish for but can't plan

Taking a road-trip on a whim,

and driving with the windows down listening to Boston.

Blowing Dandelion Seeds

Bear swinging on the exact same tire swing, that I swung on as a kid.

capturing the light

and the tongue of a cute little Bug!

or the way a child looks at the bottom of a slide.

or the kitty they found at the park.

(every other mother there yelled at their kids 'Don't touch the CAT!')

...but we did

...and they loved it.

I'm pretty sure the cat did too since he was purring the whole time!

Watching my little bear Sleep warm and safe.

Eating home-made ice cream straight from the hand cranked ice cream maker that probably came across the plains with the Mormon Pioneers

(don't know for a fact, but would probably put money on it if I were a bettin' gal)

It's a tradition at family gatherings.

Grandma-Great always fills it extra full so that after the air is whipped in,

every one grabs a spoon and takes a taste (or 3 or 4) before the men finish whipping again.

A wonderful couple

aka my brother and his beautiful wife.

Mid flip

Bear just Chillin' out at the park.

Then climbing.

and snugging, while Bug plays in the dirt by the tree.

aww....

This is one of the reasons I love to be a mom.

....and don't forget visiting Grandma at the Congressman's Office.

Grandma's always have treats :)

Sharing 1 shake between the 4 of us.

Picking Elderberries.

sour, but fun.

carefully picking them off one by one.

and enjoying the spoils

Sitting on the same steps with my kids where I played

"No Bears are out Tonight"

Feeding the horses.

and flying back to Grandma's house using our magic wings!

aka huge leafs.

We have been having a fun time.

With Grandma....Every thing is an Adventure.

And lovin' every minute of it.
These are the moments you can't plan.  Just wait and let them come.
it's been fun

The Ceremony of the Masks

I feel grateful to the people who have helped me heal.

I want you to know that I love you,

and I thank you for what you have done for me.

 I have some amazing friends at my local VET CENTER

I love Bill who mans the front desk and asks me if I want a water or candy or any other kind of treat  :)

He's even brought me grapefruit and my favorite

PINK COOKIES!

(love you bill)

Loraine and Paula have helped me along my journey, not only with PTSD,

but with other things as well.

They believe in me,

They love me,

They cry with me,

Heck,

They even sent me care packages when I was in the hospital at the Women's Trauma Recovery Program in Menlo Park California

Not only did they send care packages, but they included

Now and Laters

Which are one of my favorite sweets.

I used to wear a smile plastered to my face.

No matter what was going on in life,

I could stop,

Put a sparkle in my eyes,

and a smile on my face,

Very few people could see through my mask.

I wore it well,

and I wore it for many years.

It covered the pain that I felt on the inside.

It would stop the awkward moments when people would ask

"How are you doing today"

and no matter what,

I could smile and say

"Fine"

or

"great"

or

"Fabulous"

 I learned to lie through my smile.

It was easier to smile, than it was to explain how bad I was suffering.

 So I made some masks...

....and I don't need them anymore.

They have gone to be with someone that I love dearly.

She will keep them safe, and she will treasure them.

 Because I don't need my masks anymore,

The smile I wear on my face is for REAL

I don't need them any more, because on the inside, I'm OK with me!

I love me!

I have found happiness!

It's been learning how to be OK with Me!

And a Great big Thank You to Mr. Math, who built me a logical smile on the day I gave my masks away.

You are awesome Chris!

Blessing or a Curse

.....This is what I feel like.
Overcast
Angry
Down
Blue
Uncertain
Hurt
Vulnerable
A Storm is brewing inside of me. 
It feels like a tornado......
....winding tighter and tighter.....
I feel like I am suffocating by trying to hide my PTSD and pretend like everything is fine.

When really I want to crawl into a hole and not let the world (aka family and loved ones) see how it really is, so in essence I am trying to calm my fears and suppress my triggers, in the hopes that they will see who they want to see.

ME, Back...The old me, the happy me

And don't get me wrong, I'm happy.....I just still have hard days and triggers.

And I am back.  I am healing, and it's working,

But that doesn't mean that the memories and the dreams are all gone.

I want to fly....and I did, only I flew too high and landed on my back and the swing came and hit me on the head.

Baby steps...remember.
Oh, no! Not me, I have to do it grand. 

So is it a blessing or a curse?
I look fine on the outside, even when I am suffering on the inside.

Family

It's a great place to be.

Monday morning I drove to Utah to spend some healing time with the people that I love.  It was a somewhat spontaneous trip.  I am basking in the beauty of Utah, surrounded by people who love me.  Bug and Bear are enjoying discovering the new bugs that grow in Utah.  We have had lots of fun finding delicious things to eat in Grandma's garden. 

It's nice to finally have a good relationship with the ones I care so dearly about.

Love,
Me