Overcast
Angry
Down
Blue
Uncertain
Hurt
Vulnerable
A Storm is brewing inside of me.
It feels like a tornado......
....winding tighter and tighter.....
I feel like I am suffocating by trying to hide my PTSD and pretend like everything is fine.
When really I want to crawl into a hole and not let the world (aka family and loved ones) see how it really is, so in essence I am trying to calm my fears and suppress my triggers, in the hopes that they will see who they want to see.
ME, Back...The old me, the happy me
And don't get me wrong, I'm happy.....I just still have hard days and triggers.
And I am back. I am healing, and it's working,
But that doesn't mean that the memories and the dreams are all gone.
Baby steps...remember.
Oh, no! Not me, I have to do it grand.
I look fine on the outside, even when I am suffering on the inside.
I say that PTSD is a curse (of sorts, just like depression is a curse) but having the ability to heal and to live (even with PTSD) is a blessing.
ReplyDeleteI think of you a lot. I live near Ft. Douglas and we hear helicopters all of the time. Usually around 10-11 at night. They are close enough that my windows shake and my walls vibrate. I am just glad that I don't have any memories that the sounds evoke. (So if you move to Utah, and helicopter sounds are bothersome, I highly recommend that you not move to the Riverton/South Jordan/Herriman/Lehi area)