What Changed?

After I moved to Utah I was a wreck.  I was depressed, sad, and I felt hopeless.  I had created some dreams and I was so shocked when they didn't work out.  I felt hollow and without a purpose.  The fire of passion was missing from my life.  I didn't know what to do, and just went through the motions.  I wondered what to do with my life, and I kept coming up with nothing.  I remembered some things that I had done in the past that had brought me happiness.  So I bought a gym membership.  I knew that working out had made me feel better in the past.  I started taking vitamins that had helped.  I read books to my kids.  I tried to cook.  I contemplated taking depression medication and various other things, but nothing I did seemed to work.   I was missing something so vital, so important.

A dream.

And that's what changed.

Having a dream.

Dreams are so important, and I had stopped dreaming. 

I was visiting some wonderful friends about a month ago when they gave me something to dream about.  They told me about the HGTV Dream Home give away and how this year it's a home near Park City.  I knew that I probably didn't have a chance at winning, but I decided to check it out when I got back home. 

And boy it was amazing.

(click on the picture if you want to enter too)

And more importantly, it gave me something to dream about.  It's close.  It's in the mountains surrounded by beautiful scenery.  I started to imagine what it would be like to live there. 

And that was the beginning of the change.

A Dream.

Morning Patriotism.

This morning I looked over and my little Bug had picked up a towel that looks like the American Flag.

He stood 3 feet off of the ground holding his flag,

While Bear stood on the opposite side of room and recited The Pledge of Allegiance.

Totally Tender!

The Quilt

Last April I was inspired by my little sister to make a rag quilt.

Like THIS

She finished hers in a weekend.  It looked really cute and I wanted to make one. 

I found soft flannel fabric that I liked and bought it.

And since last April I have been working on this blasted quilt!

It took me forever to choose the size and where I wanted each block.  I printed out graphs and colored them in with the patterns of each kind of fabric.

Time went by and I started cutting the squares.  I had to cut enough squares for 3 quilts, because you have to use 3 layers when making sure the edges 'rag-out' well.  After you put the 3 layers together have to sew an X on the fabric.  

During this time I realized that I didn't have enough of the lime green polka dotted fabric.

I stuck a sample in my purse and searched the fabric stores close by for more of the same fabric.  Each store had polka dots in EVERY other color, but no green. 

After several months, I finally resolved to find another type of fabric, and I settled on pink dots.

I had seen it at one of the stores, but of course..

when I went back for it, it was gone.

I found it at another store for $9.97 a yard, and there was no way that I was going to pay that price. 

Finally at Christmastime I was down in Provo with my sister and found some pink polka dots at the local Walmart.

I snatched it up and we waited for thirty minutes to find a worker who knew how to use the pricing machine for fabric. (grrr)

And all the way I've been thinking about how cute this quilt is going to be.

After cutting out the squares I noticed that I was extremely short on blue fabric so I would have to alternate blue and pink dots.

(OK lets improvise)

Then I didn't have enough pink dots.

I contemplated what to do and went to the store and got more of a green fabric.

I spent a weekend cutting the new squares and was finally ready to sew them together. 

I had used precision when cutting the squares and thought that I was ready to complete my quilt.

I wanted this thing to be beautiful, and I wanted it to last, so I took extra care and sewed each seam twice.  When I had sewn one third of the quilt when my mother told me that each of the seams needed to be a quarter of an inch bigger.

What!?

After all of this mess and I've sewn it together wrong???

Seriously!!!

but it was only off by a smidgen. 

I contemplated just finishing it the way it was and hoping for the best.  

After all, it had difficult from the get go.

Why not just finish it and be happy with what I got!

...

Then the quilt reminded me of my life, and how I have wanted to make something special and beautiful out of it.

I thought of how my intentions have been pure and I have thought that I had done all of the figuring correct.  I had made plans and dreams, just like I had laid out each square of this quilt.  I thought of how I had tried to be so precise in my cutting and sewing and how I wanted a wonderful life just like I have wanted a beautiful quilt.

And with that I decided to unpick every stitch.

I will start over,

but I'm not starting from scratch.

Because just like this quilt...My life will be beautiful when it is complete.

No One Can Measure the Strength of Your Heart!

I feel blessed tonight.  I was reminded today of my inner strength.  Sometimes with PTSD I have felt shattered, worthless, and incomplete.  I have struggled with many things, but today a friend reminded me of the hard things that I have overcome. 
The pressure of not feeling good enough has broken my spirit, at times.
And other times has given me the motivation and the strength to move forward.
I may not be the smartest, the brightest, or the best test taker, but I have passion.  That passion runs deep, and that passion comes from oppression.  Who would have thought that some of my most awful memories could be the motivators to the things that I am most passionate about.
I experienced opposition when I wanted to get my Associates degree in one year.  The people who told me I couldn't do it only fuled my fire to prove them wrong. 
When I joined the army and went away I experienced the oppression that came from giving up my rights inorder for others to have theirs.  The military tries to force people to conform, but I was grounded in my moral convictions and stayed that way.

I was in an extremely controlling and abusive marriage, where I was told that I wasn't good enough and that I would never be strong enough to have a baby naturally, and I left.  I was pregnant, had a one year old baby, some clothes, no money, and I left!

(pregnant with my second son after leaving an abusive marriage)

(Shortly after I delivered a 9lb 6oz baby naturally)

Many things have happened since, I have had different challenges, and differenty types of healing....and now I am on my way to creating and fulfilling new dreams.

I bought something....

I just wanted Ya'll to know that life has been pretty rough the last few months.

But the good news is...

it's getting better.

I need to rewind a couple of years so that you have some background.

-I went to war in 2003.

-I thought I was fine, but I was shaken by some of the things that happened over there, but I wrote my thoughts and feelings in a journal.

-I got married to my first husband at the end of 2004 with all of the innocence and hope one could possess.

-I became a Mother, got out of the Army, moved to Arizona and was diagnosed with PTSD :(

-My marriage was abusive and I left when I was 7 months pregnant with my second son.

-While I was staying in a domestic violence shelter my ex husband was copying all of the journals I had written my entire life.

-He published them.

-I was devastated (to say the least)

I have written little since then,

....but today I made a purchase....

Define or Destroy?

I like this...