I would have to say that I had a pretty idealistic childhood.
I grew up in "Mormonville Utah."
Which basically means the suburbs of Salt Lake City, filled with good Christian people who believed the same kinds of things I do.
I was raised in a family that taught values that I cherished.
When I was thinking about joining the Army I was drawn in by the core values.
Check them out by clicking here.
They spoke of
Loyalty,
Duty,
Respect,
Selfless Service,
Honor,
Integrity,
and Personal Courage.
They fell right in line with things that I already believed.
I memorized those words up and down and could recite any definition in basic training.
I was once asked by my Command Sergeant Major which one was my favorite.
Integrity!
"Because where you have integrity, the other values will follow." I
However....
I found the military not so stringent at adhering to those values.
There were people that I respected, but they were few and far between.
The lines of black and white got mixed into a muddled mess of I-don't-know-whats.
I know that everyone has individual experiences, and I acknowledge that mine are mine, and other military members might not have had the same experiences.
My hope in humanity shattered as I witnessed the atrocities of war and watched as my dreams began to unravel as my marriage to my children's father turned controlling and abusive.
I have struggled to connect, because I believed the world was one way. (Good)
But then all I saw was another. I labeled it (Bad).
I watched families fall apart, people die, watch my sisters in arms being treated less than human and simply as sex objects to be used, abused and manipulated by the men.
It was awful.
I witnessed war and how extreme amounts of distress can bring out the worst in some people.
I lost trust, I lost faith, and I lost hope as I returned to civilian life.
I have had many hard nights.
Sometimes when people find out I was in the Army they ask me what it was like to go to war.
Sometimes I jokingly reply, "Let me tell you in the morning. I relive it every night in my dreams."
It usually deflects any further probing and painful questions.
It has been hard trying to come to terms with humanity as I have discovered more about the history of the world.
Mankind does not have such a great track record.
Whoever has the bigger stick will oppress and take advantage of people who are poor.
Money rules all.
and
Women are traded as commodities in the market as opposed to human beings.
So what keeps me going?
I have to fight to look for the good.
I want to know kindness.
My first experience at finding the good an looking for kindness came in a most unexpected way.
I learned it from the men in my first PTSD support group.
They are men that I have come to love and respect because of their goodness.
There are three that will always have a special place in my heart.
(You know who you are Rick, Jake, & Tarl!)
I also find home in humanity when:
I see someone hand a monetary note out the window to the person standing by the side of the freeway freezing in the snow.
As I watch a new mother nurse her baby.
When I see people act selflessly towards the ones they love, or the ones they don't even know.
When I attended a Narcotics Anonymous meeting with a friend and watched as people wanted support as they tried to combat the effects of addiction.
When I see people sacrifice of their time and talents to hold church callings.
When I watch children sleep in their innocence.
When a neighbor takes me to lunch and we become friends.
When I ponder the majesty of God.
These are the things that keep me going.
Wanting to be kind.
Witnessing kindness.
It is easy to find the negative. It is all around.
It is hard for me to find the Hope.
And last week I was renewed by a small act of kindness.
Someone left this in my door about a week ago.
I do not know where it came from, but I do have my suspicions.
It was a simple gift that reminded me that there is still good in the world.
It came with a story
"Legend of the dream catcher Native Americans of the Great Plains believe the air is filled with both good and bad dreams.
According to the legend, the good dreams past-due the centerfold to the sleeping person. The bad dreams are trapped in the web, where they perish in the light of dawn.
Historically dream catchers were hung in the tipi or lodge and on a babies cradle board."
The love that came with this gift will probably work better than the web.
Thank you for reminding me that there is still good in the world.
I have faith in humanity because I can still see the goodness in others.
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