Better than Last Year

This time last year I was a disaster!

No, Seriously

You can ask Loo

(She's my cute and spunky little sis)

Why? you may ask?

Because this time of year has been hard for me since 2003.

And what happened in 2003?

I went to war

or...

At least I was preparing for war.

To night I had an sense of foreboding.

It's like that feeling like you think something bad is going to happen.

I noticed that I was closing off and at the same time my senses became super alert.

I fell this overwhelming sense to protect.

I heard a sound, and automatically my heart started racing

And I was prepared.

uh..

Prepared for what!?

Oh you know....the broom outside falling over and hitting the window.

Jumpy,

Startled,

Confused

Those are all things related to ptsd.

I'd like to share a journal excerpt from February 18th 2003

(and PS. Happy Birthday a Day Late Brother)

18Feb2003

"It's Kendall's 22nd Birthday today. I want to call home. Haven't called home since we were in Germany.

Just another day in Arifjan. We had briefings today @ the DFAC. I did laundry today and talked to a guy who haw been in the marines 19 yrs. He must have been high up in rank, but I didn't ask.

I want to go to church. It's Tuesday, But I really want to find someone who is LDS. I know with 10,000 people, there has to be. Church is at 13:30 on Sundays, but last Sunday I was working...

Later I wrote...

Being here is is starting to become so much more Real! I fell asleep about 3 hrs ago, and about an hour ago, I woke up to someone in my face with their mask on. So I sat up and grabbed my mask, but I was all disoriented from my sleep. I really honestly thought we were getting gassed, and I was freaked out. It was like I couldn't remember what to do. I kinda held my breath; but not really.

MY MASK WON'T SEAL!

It had a leak around my chin, and it digs into my face on the right side. I told SPC Jen Surdyk and te talked to SGT Gautreaux. She came over and re-tightened my mask, but it was still leaking.

We have a chemical company next to us and we went and got them and they told me I needed to have a special mask ordered. We talked for a good bit, but then the lights went out. After that I couldn't hold it in anymore and I dried. I'm afraid. I could die if we got gassed.

I'll be ok, I'll be ok ,I'll be ok. Things will get fixed....."

It's kinda eye opening when I go back and read what I wrote 7 years ago. Seven.

It was so scary. We lived in huge warehouses with tons of other people. There were concrete bunkers where we were taught to go in case of a Scud attack. Everyone thought we were going to be gassed. Every time we heard the sirens we didn't know if it was real, or a false alarm.

Just so you know.

It's not so fun living in fear of being gassed.

I bet it's one of the worst ways to go.

I was terrified of dying by poisonous gas when I was in Kuwait and Iraq.

I found comfort in the Scriptures

II Timothy 1:7

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I knew (and still do) that my Heavenly Father loves me. And that he would protect me. I found peace in the words of the Scriptures and my prayers to my God.