Stirring the Emotion Pot

Today in phoenix it’s cloudy. The trees are blowing. The dust has kicked up, and is swirling around the valley making it hazy. The rain will come soon. And just like the rain, so will my tears.

Today I am grateful for my service in the military. I don’t always feel that way, but today I am grateful that I have the capacity to feel emotions that I never would have without experiencing war and military life.

Sundays are beautiful and sacred days for me. Today was peaceful and quiet because my kids are visiting their dad. It gives me time to think, pray, and wonder about many things. Sacrament meeting was quiet. No kids to distract me from the speakers. No urging little Bear to take one piece of the sacrament, instead of his usual handful. Oh the joys of the Sabbath.

Sometimes they are extremely stressful days, but today was a day filled with emotion. The speakers spoke of gratitude. I reflected on grateful moments in my life. Life, Love, My Children, Family, Education, Freedom, Healthcare…..lots of things.

Then came Sunday school. The lesson was on Government, Citizenship, and Beliefs. It is a well loved section in the Doctrine and Covenants. (Sometimes known as the D&C) I feel personally connected to it because of my life’s experiences. I sat and listened to my amazing home teacher talk about his service and how he wants others to reverence the flag. My heart began to feel that fire. That pride for wearing the Uniform. The conflict over what I feel and what I believe began to battle with my life’s experience. I raised my hand to offer my 2cents. This turned into emotional ramblings that I can’t even remember. My mind was so filled with memories and personal opinions that I don’t even remember what I said. All I know is that I shared a part of my heart today. I felt exposed, vulnerable, naked, and uncomfortable. I think I cried for the next thirty minutes, not just a little bit of tears, but a full stream down my face.

I wanted to run. I wanted to leave the room and run to my car for some protection……

Protection from what???

I don’t know…..

Maybe people’s opinions/judgments. A few of the sweet older sisters came and rubbed my arm and offered a smile. I appreciate their kind gesture. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin and become invisible. I am afraid of judgments. I hurt because of my memories, and I don’t like people to see that I am wounded. I want to be strong. But my heart feels injured.

Purple Heart?

No,

The wounds that come from having your faith in humanity thrown into the biggest, deepest, darkest black hole. The wounds from witnessing humankind at its most evil.

War is awful.

And so are the affects of PTSD.

But I sat. I sat till the end of Sunday School, and even into 30 minutes of Relief Society before I left. That’s when I saw the storm brewing outside. I noticed it on the way to church. It was looming over the mountains towards Payson. And so….like the weather. I will cry.