Sunset

There have been some amazing sunsets lately.

I love that time in the morning when God greets us with a new day, and also the time in the evening, when he gives us color to show us hope for a better tomorrow. 

I was utterly exhausted 4 hours ago and couldn't wait for sleep.

but sleep hasn't come.

There must be a reason.

Maybe someone needs hope for a brighter tomorrow.

and perhaps now I will sleep.

Peace

Love,

Me

Why haven't you posted in so long?

Well...If truth be told....I've been pretty sick. I'm going on twelve (12) days now.  I thought I had the swine flu, or mononucleosis, or something terrible and wretched, but it turns out I simply had pneumonia, strep throat, and viral bronchialitis. 

Go figure.

Who knew that those things could knock you into the bed so fast your eyes would spin. 

And believe me, mine have.

I'm done with the antibiotics, steroids, and breathing treatments.  So now it is Rest Rest Rest.  And believe me I have had some of the weirdest dreams imaginable.  I'm ready to be better, but my body says "REST"

I don't like that part.  :(
...but I have good news for when I do post something next.  I hope you keep reading

Symbolic

A while back I wrote a post on

New Beginnings

I wrote that post because it was a time for me to change and grow.

I have been connected to that plant for a year now.

It was a gift from some special friends. 

I received it shortly after returning home from my 3 month stay at the

Women's Trauma Recovery Program in Menlo Park California

(they also have a men's program for ptsd)

THIS link may be able to give you a bit more information.

I was given another Orchid last week.

 Last year my plant has been through Hell.

It withered and the flowers died.

I nourished it.

It lost major leaves.

and still more grew.

It was re-potted and given special plant food.

Then the flood happened.

Which (at the time) I thought was a devastating blow to my life.

Believe me, you couldn't believe the hours I cried on the phone with my mom.

The workers used hot fans and cranked the house up to 130 degrees

My poor plant, the one I had worked so hard to nourish was scorched by the heat.

The flowers, my beautiful flowers withered slowly and died, as my plant fought to live.

The plant fought and sent out one small leaf.

Over the last 4 months the last three remaining leafs have slowly yellowed and died.

Leaving one leaf withering and dying.

One last hope.

I debated expending my energy trying desperately to make this thing survive.

 And I chose not to.

That part of me is gone.

I am a different ME now.

So Goodbye my beautiful plant.

Thank you for the things you taught me.

Thank you for the Joy of your Beauty.

Thank you for parallelling my life over the last year.

But your time has come.

I send you off with a blessing of peace and thanks.

And I invite in the Beautiful life that I have become. 

Because this flower is strong. It has great potential.

Already, it has three strong leaves on either side.

The flowers are in bloom, just like my life is blooming. 

I am healing,
and I choose to nourish This life.

This beautiful life, with it's many branches of support, diversity, and potential.

Some of the blossoms are in full bloom, and others are tiny buds waiting to open and praise God with their Beauty.

I Choose to heal

I choose to be happy

And so I am!

Isn't the power of God amazing?

Look where I have come in a year!

I will still have my mountains,

but I made that choice, and am grateful for the things I have learned.

and now...

I am learning to nourish the good life,

not the part of me that was withering away and dying.

I am ready to know the Joy that comes from passing through extreme sorrow.

I want my light to shine!

Give a Boy His Bear

 I love watching little boy's play

(as long as it's not destructive)

ok and maybe sometimes when you are destroying things

I was pondering on what I wanted to share with you, my readers,

So I decided to scan through some old pictures from January 2010.

I have been sick in bed for like 5 days now.

I am missing my little 'Bug' and my little 'Bear'

I have had lots of snugs,

but I miss my little ones.

I'm ready for you to come home my dears. 

Less time constraints,

and more creativity.

(maybe not the most humane way to treat a bear, but hey, he went along for the ride)

 Bear named this little girl Rawry Tayney.

It's fun for me to watch them discover some of the softer things in life.

Like taking care of a bear.

Don't get me wrong...

that bear will fly and be sliced with the blades of the ceiling fan,

that bear will be dropped and used as a weapon, or whatever else little boys come up with.

but when they are gentle...

it's tender to my heart. 

and most of all

I want to show them that they are LOVED!

and hopefully

(cross my fingers and close my eyes tight as I wish for a dream to come true)

They will be able to take that safe and secure love and share it with others.

See You tomorrow my little ones!

I have missed you.

Good News

A kiss, a kiss, I got a kiss!

Have you ever had a Panic Attack?

...well of course you have, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this blog....and I'd even go as far as to say you wouldn't be human if you hadn't ever experienced a panic attack.  The thing about PTSD induced panic is that you really don't have any control over how your body will react to a certain stimulus.  As my Dr. tries to explain to me.  "you could hear a sound of a helicopter, and not even notice it, but your autonomic nervous system has already picked it up and has been releasing chemicals before you know what hit you. You can' control it! It's a normal reaction! Your body is preparing for a mass casualty, and you wonder why your heart is beating fast, as you sit at home safe with your children."

What do you mean I can't control it? Don't you know that us folks with ptsd have serious issues with power and control?

I know he would reply with something like
"you can either ride the roller coaster, or fight it with white knuckles and be miserable."

 So......Last week I took Bear and Bug to the Phoenix Children's Museum. It was an absolutely amazing place to watch my children explore and discover things with their imagination. 

They have an exhibit of hanging noodles.  You know those pool noodles that people use to float on.  Well they have about a million of them hanging from the ceiling. 

When my brother and I were little, we would have loved to play hide n' seek, or tag in those things.  The looked absolutely awesome!

So I decided to follow as my children plunged through to the other side.

.....

Oh wait a minute...

I could feel the panic as soon as my face first hit the noodles. 

"where am I?, this is not safe? I can't easily defend myself in here, I haven't been on a recon of the area and a whole lot more of the Blah Blah Blah that runs around in my head.

I was about to talk myself out of it...

But I plunged forward.

I felt terrible anxiety,

I didn't like it,

BUT I DID IT.

That's the important part.

I concord something that was fearful to me.

Am I still alive?

Yes, of course I am,

Did I enjoy it?        Not really,

but I did it.

And I encourage you to step into the uncomfortable and conquer some of your fears.

I never knew that taking my boys to the Children's Museum could be so triggering.

They had a grand time.
My bear posed for a pic in front of the awesomely decorated recycling bin.

Bug, pretended not to smile,

But the real fun came when they found a castle to paint.

And some artwork to discover

 They even did a puppet show for mom.

All I'm saying is....Life can be scary
and it's not so fun to live with PTSD,
but you can do it.
all you need to do is BELIEVE and BREATH

You are no longer in a combat zone, and weather it be Walmart, the Grocery Store, Driving down the highway, or spending some time in the emergency room of a hospital.  It's not war,
It's life....

...And life is good.

Aug 10th Pre Birthday

Today was a wonderful surprise.  My Arizona family surprised me with a Birthday Dinner, and a delicious Ganache cake.

I love you!

...and so I will wait patiently...because I love you!