I Needed Flowers

I have been having Anxiety lately. It started last Saturday. I decided that a lack of sleep isn't a good thing for me. It throws me off, it throws my kids off, it makes my PTSD symptoms worse. (Oh yeah, COLD makes my symptoms worse too)

So I had plans to take the kids to an indoor tree house with a friend and her son, but that was shot down the crapper by the thumping in my heart called anxiety.

I ride it like a wave.

Sometimes it ebbs,

Some times it flows....

and sometimes it even CRASHES!

I did make it to church on Sunday even though it was a struggle.

I would imagine with all of those years of performing in musical concerts or plays, or piano recitals would have curred me from anxiety, but no. It hasn't.

The nervous butterflies in the stomach feels similar to Anxiety, only intensify it, and then add a feeling of impending doom.

That pretty much sums it up.

On Memorial Day the kids and I were invited to some of my Dad's cousin's house for games, swimming, food, and good old-fashioned family FUN.

I wanted to go.

Really I did,

But....

I was so anxious.

There are times when it's hard for me to be in public.

Sometimes I put on a show....errr......a smile so that people will feel comfortable around me,

but that's not the real me.

The real me avoids situations where people will ask me questions.

I don't want to think about the questions,

And I especially don't want to think about the answers.

I hate to be lonely,

but

a lot of the time

I like to be By Myself.

It's easier that way.

So I decided on Monday to take the kids and go buy myself some flowers.

I went despite the anxiety, and found joy in a fun bouquet.

They add color to my kitchen and I love it :)

There is something soothing about things that grow from the earth and are colorful.

And I played with my Man Cubs