Favorite Chap Stick

I know that it may be just a tad juvenile,

but my favorite chap stick is

Strawberry Kiwi by

Lip Smackers 

I know that they market it for the tween's, but I secretly love it.

Back in the day it was code named 'The Make Out Chapstick'

It smells great.

It tastes awesome.

The texture is smooth, not sticky.

It's perfect.

I am secretly debating weather I should add it to my years supply. 

You see, we members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saint believe in living provident lives.  Many members work to achieve a years supply of the necessities of life.

I wonder if my favorite chap stick counts.

Quirky Things About Me

Here are a few interesting tidbits about me :)
I ALWAYS sleep in pajama pants.  The weather doesn't matter.  Hot or even hotter, I ALWAYS wear cotton stretchy pants to sleep in.  I hate the feeling of my knees rubbing together skin on skin.  It drives me nuts and I can't sleep.  I had the same black pair of yoga pants for years.  They went to Iraq with me.  I slept in them outside, in my tent, even when it was hotter than the blazes over there. I wore them during my pregnancies (as long as they could stretch) They have been replaced by others.  Right now I'm sporting the colorfully striped pair that my sisters call.

Dr. Seuss Pants





I Love short hair.  I always have.  I probably always will.
I never do seem to have the will power to grow it much longer than my shoulders (BARELY my shoulders) I secretly crave long luxurious locks.....I just simply don't have the patience.
Right now I am trying to grow my hair long, because for ONCE in my life I would like to have long hair.

I hate the cold.  I wear white cotton socks most of the time because I am like a little freezer.  I am nervous about spending a winter in Utah because it is so cold.  I take a cardigan to church in the summer time because I'm so cold.  I almost never wear sandals or flip flops or other cute shoes because my feet freeze.  

And last of all....I have a secret love of dreadlocks.  (Weird, I know, but I do)

Starting Over

A new chapter in my life has begun.

I have the luxury of starting over.

Over the last little while I have been feeling so sad about starting over.

I have been mourning the loss of my dreams, my goals, my ambitions.

The things that I had been working to achieve over the last three years.

But guess what?

I may be starting over,

but I'm not starting from scratch. 

I have more coping skills,

I have more life experience,

I can create for myself new dreams and goals.

Yesterday I started thinking about things in the past that have brought me Joy and Happiness.

(regular sleep, listening to audio books, nourishing my spiritual side,exercise, sewing, being creative, eating healthy, reading books to my kids, painting pictures, going to therapy, connecting with other veterans, serving others, writing, making friends and smiling for real.

I will rediscover my passions,

and I will find Joy.

...it has happened before, it can happen again!

Who Da' Thunk

Can you believe this is the face of a depressed person?

I know right!

Yeah, my face may be a bit washed out with the flash,

But seriously?

No one would guess.

So....I had a good cry on Friday.  My mom was late to work.

She comforted me and it was nice to have a shoulder to cry on.

I went to Fountain Green (a small town in Utah) and enjoyed some touching conversation as well as some relaxation

I don't want to loose all of the work I have done healing because of the weirdness in my life.

So I feel like I'm searching again.

There are so many new graduates that are heading off to college, tech school, military, or employment.

(I remember being there)

All searching for their purpose in life.

And I'm starting over AGAIN.

I feel as though I need to rediscover myself.

Figure out what I like, and how it will impact the world for good.

College? (maybe next semester)

Tech school? (again, maybe)

Military? (been there done that, got the t-shirt)

Quick Employment? (definitely not)

Motherhood? (always)

I want to make a difference.  I want to look back and know that my life had meaning.  I want to contribute to my own healing and the greater good.

I just don't know how I will do it.

I am discovering all over again what I want to be....even though I'm already partially grown up.

Feeling a Bit Better

After a long cry with my mother this morning...
I feel a bit better.
The kids and I are off to Fountain Green to visit friends, and enjoy a weekend in the mountains.

Feeling Fragile

Let's just jump right to it. I've been feeling a little fragile.
This new life, new expectations, new fears....there are so many things that are different. And I feel like I am going to shatter.

After I went to war I felt as though my heart had been blown out through my chest. I didn't know if I would ever see remnants of myself again.

I was hopeful and married my children's father and when he turned to abuse I felt that it was the 'nail in the coffin', the 'straw that broke the camels back'.  When my first marriage ended and I was forced to move back to Arizona without any support, that was the last blow that shattered me into what seemed like a million pieces. For the longest time I felt so crumbled living with the shards of glass that had once been my zest for life and my reason for living.

My children gave me hope and slowly I started finding the little pieces of my life that brought me healing and joy. I started meaningful therapy, and started challenging myself. I was reaching for something more, something bigger. I was searching for hope. Hope in myself, hope in humanity. Hope that good men were honorably taking care of their families.  I wanted so badly to believe that good still existed in the world. I wanted to find myself and put the pieces of my life back together.

And up until recently I felt as though those pieces of me were being put back together. I have been going to therapy. I was challenging my negative core beliefs, I was reaching out. I was mending relationships with my family. I was learning to reach out and extend my support network with my friends and church members. I started having a relationship with my 2nd husband, new friends, and a whole new family.  Through the challenges and the pain of PTSD, I was picking the pieces and gluing them back together.  I was starting to feel happy and more like the self that hadn't yet witnessed the trauma's of war.  I thought that all of my dreams were coming true. 

And right now I feel like ALL the glue in my life is gone. That I'm standing here in a million pieces in the form of me, but if anything hits me I feel like all of those pieces are going to tumble to the ground once more, and I will be shattered.

I don't want to fall apart. 

I'm so scared of loosing it.  I'm trying to mask it.  I'm afraid that if I let the hurt out, then it will all come crashing out, and that people will look at me differently. I don't want my family, to think less of me. Then here comes the shame. I Don't Want to Loose it, but I feel so fragile!

So once again...
I am searching for hope.

Slowly Suffocating

Over the last few week I feel as though I have been slowly taking small sips of air into my lungs.  Each time something triggers my PTSD I take a quick little sip.

I have moved back home and no one here really knows that I have PTSD.

I mean, the family does...but they haven't really witnessed it first hand. (except for Loo)

The neighbors, extended family, church members, and people from my childhood have no idea that I suffer with PTSD.

In fact most of them don't even know.

So...

(regrettably)

I have been trying to mask my symptoms.

I'm afraid that if the people who care about me see the full weight of what I deal with, then our relationship will change, and they will look at me differently, or maybe won't love and admire me the way they have before.

So, over the last few weeks I have slowly been taking small sips of my triggers in the hopes that no one will notice. 

If I were to take a big slurp of my trigger then I feel like other people would see.

So...when people ask me awkward questions about my current life situation I put on a smile and...I suck it up.

When I feel like crying, and a bunch of people are around...I suck it up.

When I feel startled by the lightning and thunder, I suck it up,

When I feel anxious, I suck it up,

When I feel vulnerable,

inadequate,

frustrated,

or scared.

I suck it up!

And I've been sucking it up for weeks.

The only problem is...

I've been sucking it up for so long I feel like I am going to explode.

There is no more room in my lungs for air,

just like there is no more room in my life for covering up my symptoms of PTSD.

I feel as though I am about to explode.

Luckily...

some friends in Arizona put me in touch with some awesome people up here.

Last week I met some new friends.

The dad is an Iraqi combat vet with a purple heart,

the mom is a great conversationalist and an amazing mother.

She's an advocate for natural child birth and everything.

They understand war.

They understand PTSD.

They understand parenthood in a way that I admire.

They are friends my age, who can totally relate to my life's hardships.

And guess what?

Last weekend was like a breath of fresh air.

Oh, don't worry

I tried to talk myself out of going, just like last year I tried to talk myself out of going to Sedona and jumping off that cliff.

But seriously, I felt like I was able to breathe

Figuratively, because I could let my guard down and be myself without feeling judged.

And literally because we enjoyed the beauty and the fresh outdoors of God's beautiful green earth.

Thank Heaven for new friends.



Lightning

....and thunder.

(Photo curteosy of wallpaperstock.net)

The other day someone asked me about how PTSD affectes my life.

If I were talking to them tonight I would let them know that sometimes it's hard to calm down and fall asleep at night.

Tonight it is stormy.  The sky is illumitated by brilliant flashes of light followed by the loud rumble of thunder.

And on nights like tonight it takes my mind and body back to the war zone.  Flashes of light and the thunder remind me of mortar attacks.  Mortar attacks remind me of how I felt when we were being attacked.  Being attacked reminds me of the patient that came in during attacks.  Those patients remind me of the suffering caused by war.  And the thought of war just makes me sad.

So it's almost 1 o'clock in the morning...and I need to go to sleep.  There are two prescious sons who need a well rested mother who has had peaceful dreams. 

Wish me luck.

Where is Belleruth Naparstek when I need her?

More Birthday Memories

Twenty Nine

I woke up to two happy boys who wanted nothing more than to wish me a

Happy Birthday!

They gave me a card that says,

"It's your birthday, Mom--

can you guess

how much

I Love YOU?

go on...guess...

Give up?"

THIS MUCH!

It's nice to know how much I am loved.

Kindergarten

My little Bug started Kindergarten last week.

My sister reminded me to get the classic picture standing by the door with the backpack on.

I'm pretty sure there is one of me each year in the exact position.

The Grand Canyon

I have always had a desire to visit the famous Grand Canyon.

I drive past it every time I make a trip to Utah, but I've never stopped to have the experience.

So....while we were moving to Utah,

I decided that I wanted to take the boys there.

I vascillated between driving straight through and stopping.

I was bit afraid to do it by myself,

but my strong will got the better of me.

Until we got to Jacob Lake I still wasn't sure that we were going to actually go through with it.

It was adventurous, as most things with my boys are.

After several trips to the bathroom,

a tired grumpy mommy,

and children who didn't seem to care how much I wanted to make this a fun experience.

I was asking myself, "Why did we even stop? Why is this so hard?  How come it's always so much more fun when my mother and sisters are involved?"

I tried...

and I hope I succeeded in creating a positive memory with my kids.

We found a little cabin to stay in at Jacob Lake.

(I'm so glad that I didn't have to unpack the trailer to try to find our little tent)

We made some memories.

....even though it was stressful for mommy.

If at First You Don't Succeed.....

CRY, CRY, AGAIN

The sadness is kicking in.  I have spent many moments with tears.

Luckily I have sisters who love and comfort me.

I will continue to Cry,

and I will also continue to

TRY

Discovery

There is so much excitement in discovery.

I wonder what I shall discover next.