Slowly Suffocating

Over the last few week I feel as though I have been slowly taking small sips of air into my lungs.  Each time something triggers my PTSD I take a quick little sip.

I have moved back home and no one here really knows that I have PTSD.

I mean, the family does...but they haven't really witnessed it first hand. (except for Loo)

The neighbors, extended family, church members, and people from my childhood have no idea that I suffer with PTSD.

In fact most of them don't even know.

So...

(regrettably)

I have been trying to mask my symptoms.

I'm afraid that if the people who care about me see the full weight of what I deal with, then our relationship will change, and they will look at me differently, or maybe won't love and admire me the way they have before.

So, over the last few weeks I have slowly been taking small sips of my triggers in the hopes that no one will notice. 

If I were to take a big slurp of my trigger then I feel like other people would see.

So...when people ask me awkward questions about my current life situation I put on a smile and...I suck it up.

When I feel like crying, and a bunch of people are around...I suck it up.

When I feel startled by the lightning and thunder, I suck it up,

When I feel anxious, I suck it up,

When I feel vulnerable,

inadequate,

frustrated,

or scared.

I suck it up!

And I've been sucking it up for weeks.

The only problem is...

I've been sucking it up for so long I feel like I am going to explode.

There is no more room in my lungs for air,

just like there is no more room in my life for covering up my symptoms of PTSD.

I feel as though I am about to explode.

Luckily...

some friends in Arizona put me in touch with some awesome people up here.

Last week I met some new friends.

The dad is an Iraqi combat vet with a purple heart,

the mom is a great conversationalist and an amazing mother.

She's an advocate for natural child birth and everything.

They understand war.

They understand PTSD.

They understand parenthood in a way that I admire.

They are friends my age, who can totally relate to my life's hardships.

And guess what?

Last weekend was like a breath of fresh air.

Oh, don't worry

I tried to talk myself out of going, just like last year I tried to talk myself out of going to Sedona and jumping off that cliff.

But seriously, I felt like I was able to breathe

Figuratively, because I could let my guard down and be myself without feeling judged.

And literally because we enjoyed the beauty and the fresh outdoors of God's beautiful green earth.

Thank Heaven for new friends.