Feeling Fragile

Let's just jump right to it. I've been feeling a little fragile.
This new life, new expectations, new fears....there are so many things that are different. And I feel like I am going to shatter.

After I went to war I felt as though my heart had been blown out through my chest. I didn't know if I would ever see remnants of myself again.

I was hopeful and married my children's father and when he turned to abuse I felt that it was the 'nail in the coffin', the 'straw that broke the camels back'.  When my first marriage ended and I was forced to move back to Arizona without any support, that was the last blow that shattered me into what seemed like a million pieces. For the longest time I felt so crumbled living with the shards of glass that had once been my zest for life and my reason for living.

My children gave me hope and slowly I started finding the little pieces of my life that brought me healing and joy. I started meaningful therapy, and started challenging myself. I was reaching for something more, something bigger. I was searching for hope. Hope in myself, hope in humanity. Hope that good men were honorably taking care of their families.  I wanted so badly to believe that good still existed in the world. I wanted to find myself and put the pieces of my life back together.

And up until recently I felt as though those pieces of me were being put back together. I have been going to therapy. I was challenging my negative core beliefs, I was reaching out. I was mending relationships with my family. I was learning to reach out and extend my support network with my friends and church members. I started having a relationship with my 2nd husband, new friends, and a whole new family.  Through the challenges and the pain of PTSD, I was picking the pieces and gluing them back together.  I was starting to feel happy and more like the self that hadn't yet witnessed the trauma's of war.  I thought that all of my dreams were coming true. 

And right now I feel like ALL the glue in my life is gone. That I'm standing here in a million pieces in the form of me, but if anything hits me I feel like all of those pieces are going to tumble to the ground once more, and I will be shattered.

I don't want to fall apart. 

I'm so scared of loosing it.  I'm trying to mask it.  I'm afraid that if I let the hurt out, then it will all come crashing out, and that people will look at me differently. I don't want my family, to think less of me. Then here comes the shame. I Don't Want to Loose it, but I feel so fragile!

So once again...
I am searching for hope.